Dexter Maskelyne: Starve slower, Irishmen!
GM: When you came to this part of Ireland, you didn’t expect the zombies.
Julian Carey: You underestimate our pessimism.
GM: It is an isolated, forlorn area. You were passing through an abandoned hamlet, when, well, zombies.
GM: Reanimated by some spell, as Dexter can see. Someone is trying to slow you down.
Dexter Maskelyne: Julian doesn’t slow easily.
Dexter Maskelyne: Dexter distracts quite fantastically, but that’s not quite the same.
GM: Being people who starved to death and were put in shallow graves, they’re not much of a threat- mostly very skinny children, the elderly, women.
Julian Carey: “If this is my steward’s work, and I doubt he’s on the ball enough to work necromancy, I’m going to kill him twice.”
Dexter Maskelyne: May as well just fly over them, then.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, I"ll check their astral signature; I should be able to recognize the caster if I see him.
Dexter Maskelyne: Lagging again, work, or naptime?
Julian Carey: I’m here!
GM: aaaand I am back
Dexter Maskelyne: hooray
GM: The ruined village has little shelter. The zombies are coming from the nearby mass grave / improvised graveyard. There are maybe three or four buildings.
Julian Carey: “Is the necromancer likely to be on the scene? If so, I need to go shoot someone.”
Dexter Maskelyne: Any way of telling how long ago the zombies were animated?
GM: You could probably roll some sort of magical insight thing
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 12]
Dexter Maskelyne: Insight-ey!
GM: Thee mojo was set up ahead of time and triggered upon a living soul entering the vicinity
Dexter Maskelyne: I relay that to Julian and we keep moving.
Julian Carey: “Tsk. Well, I can always shoot whoever it was later. Abused patience, and so forth.”
GM: They are slow moving and barely a threat, you bypass them easily. Presumably more intended to frighten than deter.
GM: what he hell
GM: my chair just broke
Julian Carey: Are you ASKING for rude jokes?
GM: scathing indictment of my weight loss plan
Julian Carey: We’re calling it a plan now?
GM: Well, it’s a plan the same way the cylons "had a plan’
GM: I shall be right back
GM: The village you’re trying to reach is up the ‘road’ a ways.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Did you WANT to punch several zombies? I’d hate to deprive you.”
Julian Carey: “No, no. If there’s no point to it, it may as well be self abuse.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I think we lost our GM again.
GM: You come to the outskirts of the village. Also abandoned, it’s a larger settlement
Dexter Maskelyne: Abandoned except for a magic baby?
Dexter Maskelyne: Or real abandoned?
GM: (travel sequences are tough. I keep waiting for player initiative, you guys keep waiting for prompting)
GM: outskirts. village. You notice hex-bags in the treeline all around the village. Folk magic, but heavy-duty death curses. Same astral signature as the zombies.
Dexter Maskelyne: Nuke them remotely.
Dexter Maskelyne: No sense in being incautious.
GM: The houses are boarded up and/or appear looted. It’s getting close to nightfall and you see no lights in the village itself. The church is the largest building and the most seemingly-intact.
Dexter Maskelyne: And the Staff of Mysteries is just sitting there.
Dexter Maskelyne: Churches are the preferred place for avoiding zombies.
Julian Carey: “Which seems unusual to me. Aren’t the restless dead drawn to holy places? You can’t desecrate secular ground, after all.”
Julian Carey: “Lord knows I’ve tried.”
Julian Carey knocks on the door of the church.
GM: The door creeks open ominously.
Dexter Maskelyne: Let there be light!
GM: The shadowy recesses of the small village church is…shadowy. The ridiculously pregnant, incredibly angry looking woman who charges you with a pick-axe screaming “you’ll not have my child, yah bloody satanic sons of bitches!” is less shadowy.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Some Norse cults claimed to be able to desecrate any land, but only briefly, and always just before feeding it to ice-wolves.”
Julian Carey moves in front of Dexter to catch the haft of the pick-axe and disarm the lady.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Thank you for that.”
GM: She spits and kicks and claws at your eyes.
GM: Shouting epithets.
Julian Carey: “Hello. Yes. You’re welcome.”
Julian Carey does his best to hold her back.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I would assure you that we only have the child’s best interests at heart, but we I’ll admit we’re not really trustworthy-looking fellows.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh, we’re not Satanic, though.”
GM: “That’s what the last two fuckers said. I cut their throats.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Except for Helzbaeub. I suppose he technically is. It’s more of a political affiliation than any religious conviction, though.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Don’t cut ours.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It would be unpleasant for at least two of us.”
Julian Carey: “Did they say they weren’t Satantic or that they were here to help your child?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “And, please don’t look at this as a threat, but my death-curse could very well kill you, and then all of Ireland would starve.”
GM: “They said they were here to help. But they were just more satanists.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “And we… don’t want that?” He looks to Julian for confirmation.
Julian Carey: “Correct.”
GM: “How do I bloody well know I can trust you?” She wrestles free of Julian and backs up, pulling a knife from a pocket.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Satanists don’t generally raise the dead, they prefer to enslave the living. So they were probably pagans. But it’s not important.”
Julian Carey: “Lord, more knives.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I should start carrying knives. I feel left out.”
Julian Carey: “Because if we were here to hurt you, I would have just shot you. I have a gun!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Care to douse us in holy water, or ask us to read a bible verse?”
GM: “The devil can bloody quote scripture. The priest here was head of the FUCKING cult that tried to do whatever the fuck they wanted to do.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ll swear on the Queen’s name if you like. I’ve taken holy orders, you know.” [Knight of the Realm roll?]
Dexter Maskelyne: [Nope!]
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-5 = 1]
Julian Carey does his very best not to laugh.
GM: “I don’t give a flying fucking fuckery about your queen.”
Dexter Maskelyne: (Rule, Brittania! spend makes that +3. Could be worse.)
Julian Carey: “Commendable swearing, but I don’t think you sould be insulting the people here to retrieve you.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, she’s insulting our sovereign. It’s not exactly the same.”
GM: “Are you two the British fuckers the Angel sent?”
Dexter Maskelyne: Wait, do convictions add more than +2? Or do they just Compel extra?
Dexter Maskelyne: “That depends on exactly how you’re using ‘fucker,’ gramatically speaking.”
Julian Carey: “It really doesn’t.”
Dexter Maskelyne: Did an angel send us? I don’t recall, but I’m thinking no, not directly.
GM: “The angel said you’d know the right words. A phrase. So I’d know I could trust you.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Bloody hell. Um, ‘Less water in the whiskey this time’?”
GM: She stares at you, then gasps in pain and clutches her abdomen. “Oh you better damn well be the English fuckers, I’m in no mood to slit any more throats today.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t think Murray gave us any pass phrase. But, to be fair, I was quite drunk when we spoke to her.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I wasn’t quite drunk; but I definitely wasn’t listening.”
Dexter Maskelyne will NOT mention that he was sent by a witch,not an angel.
Dexter Maskelyne: “That said, we are English, and when the occasion calls for it, we do fuck.”
GM: “Well which one of you is the doctor.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Err.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “‘Doctor’ is such a confining term.”
GM: “You aren’t the English fuckers are you. You’re just two…other…English fuckers.”
Julian Carey: “I had, well, I had a few years at the university?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Don’t each of us, in our own way, possess a doctorate in living?”
Julian Carey: “Not the dead ones outside.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Rescinded, no doubt. Probably their institution is no longer accreditted.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "In our defense, your use of “fuckery” to describe everything tends to vague up the conversation a bit."
Dexter Maskelyne: “We’re here to protect your child. We’re not allowed to take it from you, for reasons that I don’t understand but choose to believe.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “So just let us help.”
Julian Carey: “Look at it this way. How can it possibly get worse?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Locusts.”
Julian Carey: “Not helping.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Mucas everywhere.”
Julian Carey: “Stop talking.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Naked giants rolling over everything.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t . . . what?”
Julian Carey: “Wait, what?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That would be worse.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You’d get squished, and it would be really unpleasant. And probably smelly; gianst aren’t known for their hygene.”
Julian Carey rubs his temple.
Julian Carey: “A fatal squishing might be an improvement.”
GM: “Oh dear. I believe the child has decided it is time.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Good! Watching the muckiness of childbirth would be preferrable to continuing this line of conversation.”
GM: “This fucking kid will be the death of me. Alright, you and you, you’re going to help or I’ll cut your throats. If anything goes wrong, I’ll castrate you before I bleed to death, I swear it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian, you’ve done this before I”m sure. Midwife away."
Dexter Maskelyne: “I shall fetch water; and firewood.”
Julian Carey: “What on earth could possibly lead you to believe I’ve done this before?”
Julian Carey: “Well . . . I’m sure I’m still better at it than you are, at least.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I assume that between the two of us, we’ve done just about everything on earth. And *I”ve* never, so…"
Dexter Maskelyne: brb
Julian Carey: “Keep an eye out for doctors while you’re off shirking!”
GM: You pass a cottage stinking of rotting flesh- glancing inside, you see two men in far nicer clothing than is expected for the area lying dead on the floor. A doctor’s bag sits abandoned next to one.
Dexter Maskelyne: back
Dexter Maskelyne: sigh
Dexter Maskelyne takes the doctor’s handbag.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I found your other fuckers. We’re all that’s coming, I”m afraid."
Dexter Maskelyne: Zombie-killed?
Julian Carey: “So, I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet.”
GM: Astral sign on them indicates death-magic stopped their hearts.
GM: "I"m Beatrice."
Julian Carey: “I think we are on a first name basis at this point. Julian.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “There’s still witches around. Julian, keep assisting. I’ll put up some counter-magic.”
Julian Carey: “Oh, fantastic. Well, nothing for it.”
Julian Carey: “Unless the witch shows up. If she does, I guess I can just shoot her.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Not likely; they’re using hex-bags. Lets them act from a distance. Speaking of…”
Dexter Maskelyne scans the astral plane to make sure the church is clean.
GM: Church is actually relatively protected by an aura of sanctity. Someone using white magic put up a screen.
GM: Meanwhile, Julian needs to make an “Improvised Childbirth” roll.
Dexter Maskelyne will endeavor not to break that with blasphemy and/or profanity.
Julian Carey tosses his coat onto the ground and helps Beatrice lay down on it.
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 3]
Julian Carey: Hey, that’s a three! That is actually really good!
Julian Carey: If I need more, I can boost it with ‘Broadly Educated, if Shallowly", but I think I’ll be good?
GM: The baby has one of those problems that always seem to occur whenever this happens in movies and TV, so if you don’t [do something] it will be bad
GM: (I could have researched for this scene, but eh)
Dexter Maskelyne: [do something] = put your hands in something gross
Julian Carey: (Man, Julian does that every time he’s cleaning up one of Dexter’s messes.)
Julian Carey: (By “Julian does that” I mean “Julian makes a servant do that”)
GM: You have to cut the baby out. Beatrice…probably won’t live through it. (Unless you roll really well)
Dexter Maskelyne: Want an assist?
Julian Carey: Hey, I’ll totally boost the 3 up to a 5!
GM: Then after like, a day of brutal, bloody, disgusting, dehydrating effort, Beatrice and the child are both alive. One is asleep, the other is screaming.
Julian Carey: “Beatrice! You’ll wake the child!”
GM: “Fuck you! This hurts and I want morphine.”
Julian Carey: “Well, I don’t have any.”
Julian Carey: “I do have whiskey, though.”
GM: “I’ll take it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I will again repeat my offer to render you unconscious through a series of blows to the skull.”
GM: “The Angel told me not to drink while I was with child. Said something about ’primitive human medicines not knowing its ass from fetal alcohol syndrome.”
GM: “Whatever THAT means.” She downs some whiskey and eventually passes out.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh thank God. Speaking of, we may need a priest.”
Julian Carey: “So, go get your father.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “My father… wouldn’t christen an Irishman if hundreds of lives depended on it. Which they may!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I suppose I could lie to him. The baby doesn’t look Irish yet.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “he smells it, but that’s only because we’ve soaked everything in whiskey by this point.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): boy or girl? Or do we care yet?
Julian Carey: “That did get a bit out of hand.”
Julian Carey: “In any event, you don’t need to be a priest to perform a baptism.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It might work. I want the brat to have all the protection we can muster.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Got anything better than “Occultism” for baptising? That just seems… poor.
GM: I’m tempted to say “hermaphrodite” and go all alchemical mono-gender weirdness
Dan1 (Julian Carey): You use ‘hermaphrodite’ to perform baptisms?
GM: that was to the girl/boy question
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I know. I’m just being difficult.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): No more so than usual, I’d say.
Julian Carey: “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. There. Done.”
GM: Alirght we’ll finish this next week. I need to scrounge up something to eat.
Kerberos Club: Strange Corners of the Earth
Dexter Maskelyne: Starve slower, Irishmen!