Kerberos Club: Strange Corners of the Earth


GM: and you’d met up with Abigail, with Byron the vampire, at…a place?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: A safehouse place.
Julian Carey: And shot the traitor.
GM: Right, right. He’s dead.
GM: Oh yeah, you’re in a subbasement of the Paris Opera.
GM: Abigail: “This mission can still be successful. We just need to destroy the Pavane.”
Julian Carey: “We are very good at violence. What does it take to kill a vampire?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “if it takes a demon prince, we have one of those.”
Julian Carey: “No! How many times do we need to go over this . . .”
Dexter Maskelyne: “At least one more, it seems.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, Occultism roll to know what kills vampires?
GM: Sure.
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-7 = -1]
Julian Carey: Wow.
Dexter Maskelyne: Ersh.
Julian Carey: WOW.
Dexter Maskelyne: That’s not very good.
GM: hmm
Dexter Maskelyne: Fortunately I’m the WGM!
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-7 = 1]
Dexter Maskelyne: … yeah, I don’t use Occultism for a lot of things.
Dexter Maskelyne: Trained by the Best makes that a 3.
GM: Decapitate, burn the body. They’re Draculas.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Excellent! Sounds like just the thing to help you work off some steam, Julian.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Let me know if you need help locating an axe.”
Julian Carey: “Why would I need to work off steam?”
GM: Abigail: “They’re vulnerable to holy weapons; we were using some Vehm on loan from the German inquisition, but…I’m not sure either of you can properly wield a blessed silver crucifix. For obvious reasons.”
Julian Carey: “Why couldn’t I? I mean, I get Dexter.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Does it matter what kind of holy? I may have eaten a lama’s heart once; I think that makes me a lama.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or it makes me a devil. I’m pretty sure it’s one of the two.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Abigail: “You…ate a lama’s heart?”
GM: “How did it taste?”
Julian Carey: “Met one on the road, did you?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It was salty.”
GM: Abigail (intent): “Is that because you added salt?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes. Met him on the road. We quarreled over ethics.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I challenged him to a magical duel, and I handily defeated him.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “In retrospect, he may not have been defending himself.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That actually may have been the point he was trying to make.”
Julian Carey: “Well, be careful. It’s never just one Tibetan.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “In the near-decade that I have known you, we have been attacked by Tibetans on nine occasions that I recall, and every one of them was trying to kill YOU.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “MY enemies stay dead. Some of the time. In this particular case, they stay dead, so far as I know.”
Julian Carey: “It’s different Tibetans each time.”
Julian Carey: “I mean, I assume.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, I’ve already got fire; I shouldn’t need a crucifix. And Julian can use his axe, once he finds one. Let’s go find some varneys.”
GM: Byron: “Varney is in Rome.”
GM: Byron: “He likes to summer there.”
Julian Carey: “Not LITERAL Varneys.”
Julian Carey: “Wait, Varney is real?”
GM: Byron: "I know like, three. "
Julian Carey: “I assume that somewhere between two and three of them are faking it.”
GM: Byron: “Oh yes.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Well, regardless. We aren’t killing Varney. So hand me a silver crucifix and lets get this started.”
GM: Abigail: “Well, I don’t have one! My cache of vampire killing weapons was confiscated by corrupt gendarme.”
GM: Byron: “You can just say gendarme.”
GM: Abigial: “I know, right?”
Julian Carey: “Ugh. Well, we’ll improvise.”
Campaign saved.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: Back to the catacombs?
GM: Up to you!
Julian Carey: Wait, do we know where the vampires are?
GM: did you ask?
Julian Carey: “Where ARE the vampires, anyway?”
Julian Carey: “The ones that aren’t Byron.”
GM: Byron: “Oh, their secret headquarters underneath Paris.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That doesn’t sound like a well-kept secret.”
GM: Abigail: “We don’t know where it is.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Disappointing. Do we know who knows?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or do you have any items that were once owned by the vampires in question?”
GM: Abigail: “Byron does.”
GM: Byron: “Well, I do.”
GM: Byron: “But I can’t tell you.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Psychopomy is quite an advanced science, you know.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Hmm. Can you tell us when you were there last, Byron?”
Julian Carey: “That still isn’t what science means.”
GM: Byron: “Last night, for one of the bimonthly orgies.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Eww.”
Julian Carey: “Oh, that reminds me. Any plans for the 23rd, Abigail?”
Dexter Maskelyne: Astral Sight to trace Byron’s steps back to last night and hopefully avert my eyes at the most shameful moments.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I might not have been clear. Eww!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Wait. Can I come?”
GM: Abigail: “The 23rd? No. Presumably I’ll still be bothering about this burn notice nonsense.”
Julian Carey: “Excellent. Maybe I can take your mind off it.”
GM: Go ahead and roll the rolling
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3
3d6+3 = 14]
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, THAT I’m good at.
Dexter Maskelyne: So, quick rewind and I should see where Byron was last night, and what route he took to get from there to here.
GM: The astral signature leads you up to the street!
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I’m not rolling. I’m just going to keep making pervy comments.
GM: that’s your job
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I accept these manly duties manfully.
Dexter Maskelyne: “All right, I know where we’re going. Let’s be off. Coming, Abigail?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Mrs. Carey, I mean?”
GM: Abigail: “Please, Dexter, you’re almost a friend of the family at this point. Well, an acquaintance of a friend of the family.”
Julian Carey: “He’s certainly an acquantance of Cecily. Probably. I’m sure she’s seen you at least once.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s not as though we exchange Christmas cards.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Although that may be due mostly to my habit of keeping no fixed address, and burning most of my mail unopened.”
Julian Carey: “THAT’S why you didn’t respond to my invitation.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Hmm? Likely. Yes, we’ll say it was that.”
GM: Abigail: “You burn most of your mail? But I sent you that very nice card!”
GM: Byron: “I…I have been sending you postcards of my travels for…like ten years.”
Julian Carey: “It was very nice.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I had no idea! I started receiving death-notes about five years back.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Nasty things. Very difficult to counter. Easier to just avoid them.”
GM: Byron: “You haven’t been receiving my death notes!”
GM: Byron (pause): “that’s a joke.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ve never quite developed a taste for Parisian wit, I’m afraid.”
GM: Well, lets go.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): And neither has Byron! Ba-dum!
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian, could you tear a man’s head off with your bare hands? If he made you really angry?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s just that, I can’t conjure flame while I’m following the trail. So I”m afraid I’m a bit helpless at the moment."
Dexter Maskelyne: “I don’t think I care for it.”
Julian Carey: “I’m confident that I could work something out.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Excellent.”
GM: There are buildings on fire in the distance. The smell of smoke in the air. You’re in an area protected by soldiers guarding the Opera House, looking out via awindow. The city is in chaos. The astral trail leads you towards a church.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Didn’t think they were supposed to care for these…”
Julian Carey: “Of COURSE they had an orgy in a church.”
GM: It’s a large, gothic church. There’s probably a famouse example in Paris, but I know fuck all about Paris, so just imagine a large gothic church.
Dexter Maskelyne: there are several
Campaign saved.
GM: Well, this is one of them.
GM: Abigail: “I propose we burn it down with the vampires inside.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “We don’t know they’re in there. This is probably just an entrance to their lair. Which will be fireproof, if they’re at all sensible.”
Julian Carey: “While Saint Severin is an archeological treasure, it is a FRENCH archeological treasure, so lets do it.”
Julian Carey: “God knows they burn down enough of their own buildings.”
GM: (I’m kind of fading out, so the Battle at Saint Severin can wait until next week I think!)
Dexter Maskelyne: Sounds good.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Wait, you never let me burn things. If you’re on board let’s do it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: TBC!


Dexter Maskelyne: We were making quips about Varney. How is that not confirmation?
Julian Carey: Quips == truth.
Julian Carey: But yes, Julian had just confronted Claude and decided not to shoot him yet.
GM: Claude: “I assure you, Mr. Carey, we are not enemies.”
Julian Carey: “I hear that a lot from people I’m pointing a gun at.”
GM: The air was distinctly getting colder, and a foul charnel odor was detectable. I think I had implied that there’s someTHING on its way down the tunnels.
GM: Claude: “To get to the other side of the city by this route alive…you need a guide. You will need me, Mr. Carey.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Start walking. Or I’ll try leaving your body behind as a distraction for whatever that is.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Probably not a sommelier. They’re never around when you want them.”
GM: Suddenly, out of a primordial miasma, appears a grotesque humanoid creature. Distorted features, long, dirty claws, a filthy long coat.
GM: In a serpentine, ragged voice, it says…“Dexter?!”
GM: “It has been a while since I’ve seen you! How’s life?” It moves forward for a warm embrace. Well, a cold one, as it has no body temperature.
Julian Carey: “We should probably give them some privacy.”
GM: Claude backs against a wall, visibly frightened. “I meant no trespass in your domain, Lord! I was merely guiding these vessels to their destination!”
GM: It waves a claw. “Oh Claude, none of that now. Dexter is an old friend! I’m elighted to see him.”
Julian Carey: “So . . . is this an ex? You seem like his type.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m… not sure if I’m insulted or not.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “One of us probably should be, though.”
GM: (I’m willing to let you whip up the explanation! My default answer is that you were former classmates for a study abroad at the Scholomance)
GM: (and or are ultor/passers for each other in The Cabal)
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Sounds good.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Byron Kline; meet Julian Carey. Also our hostage, Claude.”
GM: “Dexter and I spent a semester under Lake (i can’t remeber the lake) studying goetia a few years ago!”
GM: He shakes your hand. His claws are clammy. “Pleased to meet you Mr. Carey! Your exploits are quite wel known to the Pavane.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It was only supposed to be studying, and not practicing.
Julian Carey: “Glad to hear it. Fame always make espionage more exciting.”
GM: Byron: “Bah! You had your own Pride squealing like a pig in Madame Mortimore’s brothel, as I recall, after class. Ah, those were the days.”
GM: Byron: “Well, Claude, you played your role, but it’s my understanding that dear Emily arranged for you to deposit these two into her tender mercies, yes?”
GM: Claude, deer-in-headlights: “…No…”
GM: Byron: “Claude.”
GM: Claude: “Yes.”
GM: Byron: “Well, don’t do that. They need their blood. To live.”
GM: Wait, no. Emily is too mundane a name for evil vampire seductress.
GM: We’ve got a Byron…
Dan1 (Julian Carey): That could be the joke.
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Tiffany.
GM: (No, I have another Tiffany planned and I don’t want to confuse myself. Emily it is.)
Campaign saved.
GM: Bryon: “You are not aware of this, Mr. Carey, but I am the reason you are here. Indirectly, of course. I had an arrangement with Mrs. Carey that is in need of rescuing, and you are the man for the job.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “What, Claude was going to betray us? Julian, did you see this coming?”
Julian Carey: “No, that’s why I didn’t draw a gun on him a few minutes ago and of course I did.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, damn.”
GM: Claude: “Was I really that obvious?”
Julian Carey: “That was not a good accent.”
GM: He’s dropped the decent-but-not-perfect Parisian accent for the obviously Prussian.
Dexter Maskelyne: “One of these days I’m going to see you taken aback, but if squid people from Neptune’s third moon won’t do it I’ll be damned if I know what will.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Those were funny chaps; we should see what they’re up to these days.”
Julian Carey: “Decomposing, mostly. But I assume they had family.”
GM: (a lot of gambling and Mah Jong in various cesspools of the Orient, according to reports)
GM: Byron: “Anyway, Claude here has betrayed your wife as well, endangering his country’s little operation for Paris.”
GM: Byron: “I suggest we kill him. You may deal him a merciful execution, or I might indulge my rather sanguinary appetites , if you’ll permit.”
GM: Claude: “Wait, no! Don’t kill me! I was under orders!”
Julian Carey: “Oh, they all say that. Right before the plummet into a bottomless pit.”
Julian Carey looks over at the bottomless pit
GM: Byron: “It’s not actually bottomless, I”m afraid."
Julian Carey: “Figure of speech.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Byron: “Fair enough.”
Julian Carey: “Anyway, I can’t promise I won’t shoot you in the back of the head, but more detail won’t hurt your odds, ‘Claude’.”
GM: Claude: “I was to ensure you fell into the clutches of the Pavane.”
GM: Byron: “The other Pavane, he means. I am quite on board with the various plots.”
GM: Bryon: “Shall we walk and discuss matters? We still have far to go.”
Julian Carey: “And Abigail?”
GM: Byron: “If we do not tarry, I suspect we may still rescue her.”
Julian Carey: “Well, no time to waste.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Byron: “So, tell me Dexter, how has being alive treated you these past few years?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian, I know I’ve asked this before,but tell me again: wives DO serve some purpose, other than to give you something to rescue when you grow bored, yes?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “So far it seems preferrable to the alternative, though I shouldn’t throw stones. You?”
Julian Carey: “If you’re very lucky, I won’t tell her you said that.”
Julian Carey (to Byron): “She got a new sniper rifle recently. Been dying to try it out.”
GM: Byron: “Well enough, though my life has not normally been this exciting.”
GM: Byron: “Well, if Claude’s compatriots haven’t managed to kill her, I imagine she’s killed them. Formidable woman.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m just saying, I believe you’ve rescued her twice for every time she’s rescued you. You HAVE been keeping score, I assume?”
Julian Carey: “Yes, but you aren’t there for all of our outings. Particularly the more exotic ones.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I dare say that if that counts as ‘rescue’ there’s quite a few actresses in Paris who owe me a good turn.”
Julian Carey: “Are you sure they were all actrESSES? Parisians can be tricky.”
Julian Carey (to Byron): “No offense.”
GM: Byron: “I am not a native.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “They were convincing enough for my purposes.”
GM: “I am actually starting to find this city rather tedious.”
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I assume we are all walking along?
GM: (Indeed)
Julian Carey: “I felt the same way until the revolt started.”
GM: Byron: “In any event, I shall summarize. In the course of coordinating its response to the various uprisings, the French security services and the Prussian made an arrangement. Stalwart Prussian monster-destroyers would handle France’s problem with the Pavane, local officials being too corrupt and the Church still angry over some trifle or another to send its own. In exchange, certain occult resources were to be granted to Prussia. Your wife was in charge of this operation.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I enjoyed myself, when I was here last. Except for most of the times I was in a box.”
GM: “The Pavane, however, and its agents, corrupted individuals on both ends” – he motions at Claude – “and they have placed your wife in significant jeopardy with her organization.”
Julian Carey: “I was wondering why she packed so much kerosene. But didn’t want to ask.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ve never approved in the trade of occult objects; far too dangerous. Much better to just collect them all some place and then never touch them again.”
GM: Byron: “The true irony is, of course, the Pavane were using their influence against the forces of radicalism.” He tut tuts.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ve repeatedly offered my apartment; but the Club doesn’t seem to take my generosity seriously.”
Julian Carey: “Probably just gunshy after that Silverstone disaster.”
Julian Carey: “Better to keep the things in the club house where we can all touch them and knock them over where everyone can see.”
GM: Byron: “Ah, here we are.” he points to a ladder. “That should take you into the basement of the Opera House. Mind the phantom. You should find the safehouse where Abigail is staying a level above.”
GM: “Now, if you’ll permit me, I intend to tear Claude’s throat out and drink his blood for sustenance. Unless you object…?”
GM: Claude: “I object! I object strenously!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Would you rather be shot? That seemed to be your fate before.”
GM: Claude: “Well, yes! But I’d rather not be shot as well.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Actually, Byron, would you mind if we shot him? It just seems more humane.”
Julian Carey: “I was toying with strapping him to that pendulum. But didn’t want to back track.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You can do as you like after.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Whatever for? He’d just be all swingey.”
GM: Byron: “Oh that blasted thing never works. Do you have any idea how complicated the gearing mechanism is on the pendulum winch?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or would you still shoot him, after?”
Julian Carey: “Isn’t a pedulum one of the simplest machines ever made?”
GM: Claude: “Don’t kill me, please! I was just following orders! You understand that, don’t you?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It should be rather straightforward; a basic counterweight should do the trick.”
Julian Carey talks quieter as he climbs.
GM: Byron: “OH don’t get my started. Preacing to the choir.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Claude: “You can’t trust him, anyway! He’s a monster! He’s one of the Pavane!”
GM: Byron: “Only in the most literal interpretation of the membership roster.”
Julian Carey: “Believe me, we have no room to throw stones there. I don’t think we have any vampires, but we do have a giant spider who drinks the fluids from people.”
GM: Byron: “Oh! How is Joseph these days?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Surly.”
GM: Byron chuckles. “That’s old Joe.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “We’ve told him time and again, if he leaves his brood eggs where they can be stepped on, they will be stepped on.”
Julian Carey: “His latest vintage is surprisingly drinkable, though.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “but we don’t like to discuss the subject, because eventually one wonders where the eggs come from, and no good comes of thinking that.”
GM: And a few minutes later, you open up the door to find a shotgun barrel pointed at you, then lowered immediately. “Julian!” Abigail exclaims. “What the devil are you doing here?”
GM: She takes note of Dexter (frowning), Claude (DOUBLE frowning), and Byron (smilling)
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well sorry, Julian, I don’t think this counts as a rescue after all. No worries, you’re still ahead by my count.”
Julian Carey: “Saying hello. This isn’t the hotel but . . . hello.”
GM: “We’re tied. Morocco didn’t count.”
GM: Abigail: “I have to ask, why is Claude still alive? You know he’s planning on betraying you, right?”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “I didn’t want to risk a gunshot before I knew if there were vampires . . . er . . . hostile vampires close enough to hear it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Lies! That’s a lie.”
GM: Abigail: “Ah, well, why not just let Byron eat him? It’s very quiet. A bit unseemly.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “He had this clever plan involving a pendulum, and then we got distracted debating Newton.”
GM: Byron: “You mortals have all manner of unseemly natural processes as well! I am hardly unique!” He brushes a maggot off his shoulder.
GM: Abigail: “I swear to god, one of nature’s simplest machines, and the Pavane can’ teven install it…”
GM: Byron waves his hand. “We’ve been over it!”
Julian Carey: “As usual, at length.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Anyway, so good to see you, Mrs. Carey. Um, I’ve brought you some wine.”
GM: Claude: “Don’t kill me, please!”
Dexter Maskelyne fumbles for one of the unopened bottles.
GM: Abigail: “Your men tried to kill me, Claude. They shot at me. They stabbed at me. They set the building I was in on fire. It was a nice building, Claude. I liked the amenitijes.”
Julian Carey: “And fresh bread!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Weren’t you going to kill us, Claude? It only seems fair.”
Julian Carey pulls out the bread before shooting Claude.
GM: Claude goes down like a sack of turnips. That have been shot.
GM: Byron: “A pity. I am a bit peckish.”
Julian Carey: “Well, I don’t like to wave a gun around without using it.”
Julian Carey: “We do have bread. If you eat . . . bread.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Abigail: “Anyway, dump his body back in the catacombs. The ghouls will get to him.”
GM: Byron: “I never eat…bread.”
Julian Carey: “Suit yourself. ’s good bread.”
Julian Carey casually reloads his pistol.
Dexter Maskelyne: “So, how badly did things go? What do we still need to recover?”
Julian Carey: “I see why you didn’t want to bring Cecily. I thought it was because it would be an ‘adult’ trip. But no. Vampires.”
GM: Abigail: “Well, things are bad.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Abigail: “I’ve been blacklisted, Prussia thinks I’m a traitor, the French government believes me an enemy spy, the Pavane have the occult artifacts, the Prussian hunter team is dead.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Which ones are the Prussians again? Never mind; I’ll never remember. It sounds like we need to hit the Pavane.”
Julian Carey: “Well, you ARE an enemy spy, so I can’t blame the French for their insight.”
GM: Abigail: “I am not! This time they wanted me here!”
Julian Carey: “Were you planning on kidnapping any french scientists on your way out of the country?”
GM: Abigail: “Yes, but they had nor eason to suspect that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Past experience, perhaps?”
Julian Carey: “Lets move past this one. Occult artifacts and your being framed. The French can hang on to their misconceptions, no matter how accurate they are.”
Campaign saved.
Campaign saved.
GM: Abigail: “Right. We need to clear my name, destroy the Pavane enclave, and retrieve the artifacts.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I hesitate to ask, but how dangerous are these artifacts in the wrong hands? Say, the hands they’re currently in?”
GM: “Oh, the scrolls of Nophru-Ka alone could unlease the nine Threnodies of Despair.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Right. Medium evil, then. Easily managable.”
GM: Abigail: "I have no idea what that is, but I was informed by a very strern old professor of antiquities at the University of Berlin that it would be “very bad, ja.”
Julian Carey: “And we . . . don’t? want that?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, it’s just shambles putting them back, after.”
Campaign saved.
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Dang. They hadn’t invented Theremins yet. I can’t have Julian confuse the two.


GM: When Abigail asked Julian to do her “a little favor in Paris”
GM: you did not expect this.
GM: With the building next to you on fire, the demonstrators try to repair the barricade you’re hiding behind before the Gendarme charge again. They’ve fixed their bayonets. It is February 1848 and Paris is not as much fun as it usually is.
GM: (in medias res, motherfuckers, DO YOU SPEAK IT)
Julian Carey: (Oh, we’re past that!)
Julian Carey: (I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH!)
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian.”
Julian Carey: “This is my second worst trip to Paris!”
Julian Carey: “It usually is lovely in the spring.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Do you recall when you made me promise not to send anyone on fire?”
Julian Carey: “Nope!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Does that still apply if they are trying to set us on fire?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Hmm.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Then why aren’t these Gendarme burning?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “What’s the plural of Gendarme? Is it Gendarmes?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “My French is simply wretched.”
Julian Carey: “Gendarmi, I think.”
GM: Abigail requested Julian meet her at a hotel…on the other side of the city, past protestors, riotors, revolutionaries, police , looters and soldiers.
Campaign saved.
GM: The protests had been peaceful until someone discharged a musket by mistake. Now the city is in an uproar.
Julian Carey: “Well, come on. Complaining about not having enough fire isn’t getting us there any faster!”
Julian Carey reloads his pistol and keeps his head down.
Dexter Maskelyne makes a reloading motion towards his staff and likewise keeps his head down.
GM: A man sits next to you, wrapping a burned hand in an improvised bandage. “English, yes? You picked a poor time to visit Paris, I think!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Why, is it usually nicer than this?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I didn’t want to say anything.”
Campaign saved.
GM: He laughs. “I am Claude! I had the msifortune of being mistaken for a revolutionary by the gendarme, and a policeman by the revolutionaries…”
GM: Julian, make a Super-Spy roll ting. You know, the whatever
Dexter Maskelyne: “Which are you?”
Julian Carey: (One moment.) [3d3+1d6-2 = 6]
Julian Carey: (There. that was weird.)
Julian Carey: 6
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m a wizard. I don’t think we’ve chosen a side yet.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian hasn’t chosen a side either, but he’s not likely to. He likes shooting people, and if you’re on a side with someone you’re not supposed to shoot them.”
GM: His hand isn’t actually burned, he has several concealed knives on his person, and he gives you a bad feeling.
Julian Carey: “Well, Dexter, I have a plan.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh good.”
GM: Claude: “Then I hope to be on your side! I just want to get across the city.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That usualyl means things are about to get much worse, which means we can start working on improving them.”
Julian Carey: “No, no. This is simple!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “This doesn’t sound like one of your plans. Did you hit your head?”
Julian Carey: “We’ll just go under the rioters. I still know my way around the Paris catacombs.”
Julian Carey: “The whole city was built on top of quarries. You can get anywhere from down there.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Sounds good. Let’s do it.”
GM: A smoking pitch bomb goes sailing over your head and splatters on some random Parisian, who dies screaming. Claude: “Yes, let us!”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Quarry/Graverobber/Rabble
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Rats Rats Rats
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Rabble/Rabble/Rabble
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey looks for a likely building and runs for it, kicking in the door.
Julian Carey: "We might need you to melt the basement floor somewhat, Dexter.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Shouldn’t be a problem.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Wait: is it holy ground?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m just kidding. That’s wouldn’t slow me down at all!”
Julian Carey: “Taverns ususally aren’t.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Claude: “This building here” – he motions to something strangely untouched by the fighting – ‘Has an entrance in its basement."
Julian Carey: “Well . . . lead the way.”
GM: A group of rabblers walks an extra block to pull boards off a building for the barricade- ignoring the one you’re entering. They give it fearful looks, some cross themselves as they pass its shadow.
GM: Claude: “Let’s just hope no one is home…”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey assumes Dexter will notice any magical threats or good wine, so concentrates on watching out for ambushes.
Dexter Maskelyne: IS there any good wine?
GM: You pass into a very, very luxuriously appointed lobby for what looks to be a fancy hotel or club. There are no mirrors or religious iconography anywhere.
GM: Claude: “This way.” He pretends to not know his way around, but he obviously does, and into a wine cellar you go. The vintages are EXCELLENT.
GM: But strangely untouched. Whoever lives here must never drink…wine
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Sadly, Dracula has not been published yet. Or Julian would just shoot Claude in the back of the head on general principle.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): I’m unclear why you haven’t anyway.
Dexter Maskelyne: Multiple bottles are pilfered.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey does have his pistol out. And good killin’ knife.
GM: The building’s basement not only has an entrance into the catacombs, it has a whole corridor of locked, windowless rooms with iron doors.
GM: That you pass by.
Dexter Maskelyne makes sure that his wallet is clearly visible.
Dexter Maskelyne: If we’re going to get rolled I’d rather it were sooner than later.
GM: Yo uclimb down into the catacombs. “We’ll need a torch…” Claude says.
Julian Carey: “Or some magic.”
Dexter Maskelyne lights his staff.
GM: Claude chuckles. “yes, of course, of course. But a torch will do. Ah hah!” He responds, startled.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Was I unclear about being a wizard before?”
Campaign saved.
GM: Claude: “Yes?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I thought I’d explained it rather slowly.”
Julian Carey: “I thought that was because you were drunk.”
GM: “There is a lantern right here.” Claude promptly lights it. “So if that is a bothersome witchcraft for you, you may stop.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “not particularly.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Not particularly bothersome. I was middling drunk at the time.”
Julian Carey: “You should see him at the club. He’ll magic his paper to the other side of the room just so he can magic it back to him.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Now rather more than that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Only if I have somethign I wish to show someone across the room, and don’t wish to walk.”
GM: “I Hope they will not notice you have stolen their wine. The owners here are known to be…territorial. Anyway, this way.” He leads on into the catacombs.
GM: (World’s Greatest Magician…World’s Laziest Magician…)
Dexter Maskelyne: “Stolen is such a harsh word.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I prefer to think that I saved them the trouble of offering it to me, as their guest.”
Julian Carey: “Borrowed, but they probably won’t want him to return it afterwards.”
Campaign saved.
GM: You pass by an open chamber with a bottomless pit in the middle. Hanging motionless from the ceiling, over a stone talbe, is a giant scythe on a pendulum swing.
Julian Carey: “Tsk. Lenoir had some issues, didn’t he?”
GM: There are several other chambers off the corridor you’re on, with similarly outre equipment. But not the fun kind, like you’d find in the Club’s basement. The cruel kind.
Dexter Maskelyne: “We DID leave that chap back in Baltimore, didn’t we?”
Julian Carey: “Yes. He could have taken a boat over here, though.”
GM: Claude: “Ah, keep down your voices, I think…we may not be alone.”
GM: Julian, do you have some kind of “I know alot about Europe” skill?
GM: accent recognization, that sort of thing?
Julian Carey: I got Alertness, Investigation, and a relevent aspect.
GM: okay
GM: roll
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 2]
Julian Carey: Alertness: 5
Julian Carey: Pretty damn good for a normal skill.
GM: Whiel his “english with a french accent” is very good, the man’s a German. You can hear it .
Julian Carey waits for the next bottomless pit.
GM: You proceed into the catacombs proper, through a hatch.
GM: (Do the ossuaries exist yet? If so, you’re in one of those bone tunnels. If not, it’s a rotting coal tunnel.)
Dexter Maskelyne: They exist.
Julian Carey: (Yeah, they were put in last century.)
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: (I’ve actually just been reading a history book on Paris.)
Julian Carey: “I love the decor. We should import some bones for the club.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Is there a shortage?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It seems a shame to transport them if they won’t be needed.”
GM: Claude: “Now, wher ein the city did you need to go, gentlemen?”
GM: Dexter, do you have any mystical sixth-senses or whatever?
Julian Carey: “I was going to ask you the same thing.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I can have them.
Dexter Maskelyne: I use Astral Sight all the time
Dexter Maskelyne: Not NOW
Dexter Maskelyne: Because where’s the fun in that?
Dexter Maskelyne: But sure, I can hex my staff so it points to Abigail
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 16]
Dexter Maskelyne: “That way.”
GM: Claude: “I am glad for the company. These tunnels can be unsafe alone…”
Campaign saved.
GM: Claude: “It would help to know where we must exit. No one built these to be easy navigation.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Hrm, can’t help there, I’m afraid.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or, rather, not with this spell.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I COULD cast another. But that would be doing two things.”
GM: Claude looks at Julian. “You obviously had somethign in mind, monseur.”
Julian Carey: “I did indeed.”
Julian Carey points the gun at Claude.
GM: Claude: “Sir! There is no need for that!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Sometimes there is.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ve no idea if this is one of those times. Julian, is it one of those times?”
Julian Carey: “Indeed it is! And I doubt it’s the whiskey talking, either!”
GM: Claude puts his hands up cautiously after slowly placing the latern on a wall hook. “I do not know what impression I have given, but I assure you, I am just trying to survive.”
Julian Carey: “A mysterious german festooned with knives and fake wounds? Who happens to know the creepy way into the catecombs?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “german? Knives?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I feel I’ve been missing out. It’s like you’re playing a game without me.”
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, NOW we can turn on the Astral Sight and see what’s up around here.
Campaign saved.
GM: Claude pauses. “Ah, your dossier did say you were good.” He drops the accent. “I am hoping that you will lead me to your wife, Mr. Carey.”
Julian Carey: “Right now, I’m considering bringing her your head for identification.”
GM: “Now, now. Is that any way to treat a friend?”
Julian Carey: “You aren’t making a good case for you life. Friend.”
GM: “’I’m Mrs. Carey’s only hope to survive the vengeance of the Pavane.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You know, Julian, I never take MY work with me when we’re vacationing.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m just saying.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “The Pavane? This is her only hope to survive a dance?”
GM: “She has grossly interfeered wit hthe plots of the Parisian vampires, and they will find her. By sunrise tomorrow she will be dead…or worse.”
GM: And at that ominous statement, a chill wind rustles down the corridor, the air drops a few degrees, and the hair on your neck stands up.
GM: Claude looks alarmed. “One of them is down here! With us, now! We must hurry!”
Julian Carey: “I’ve read Varney. I don’t think this is anything to worry about . . .”
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Varney the Vampire is, of course, the best vampire.
GM: Claude: “Oh yes, becaue a blood drinking monster who could only be killed by depositing itsel fin a volcano strikes you as something you want to run into underneath Paris?”
GM: “I assure you, most of them quite enjoy their lifestyle and avoid volcanos.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, if we can’t bring Varney to the volcano…”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “I’m just saying, I never felt that Varney had any follow-through.”
GM: Claude: “He was a bit of a flake, yes.”
GM: Anyway that’s the cliffhanger

We Saved Christmas
Well . . . we did.

Julian Carey: Anyway, we have to reward one child and punish one child.
Julian Carey: Which seems easy. Just being around us is usually a punishment.
Campaign saved.
GM: Ah yes. Well, as I recall, I gave you three choices each.
GM: So pick!
Dexter Maskelyne: WE did!
Julian Carey: I’m strongly in favor of Cecily Kincaid for the good list.
Dexter Maskelyne: And then you made us wait.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yes, I agree.
Dexter Maskelyne: And for the bad list…
Dexter Maskelyne: Hang on, Obsidial signed me out
Julian Carey: Mostly because Julian should have a teen sidekick. That would be hilarious.
Dexter Maskelyne: … the logs from last week are not up.
Dexter Maskelyne: The one who killed Santa.
Dexter Maskelyne: That’s the bad ‘un
GM: Gchat!
GM: Cecily Kincaid is the one trying to kill her little brother first, right?
Julian Carey: Correct.
GM: Teen sidekick! What would your wife think?
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh goodie; I get one too now?”
Julian Carey: I might not be reducing the number of assassination attempts poor Cecily has to deal with.
Julian Carey: But I’ll certainly make them more exciting!
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: … of course, since this is a FLASHback
Dexter Maskelyne: One has to wonder where your sidekick has been for the last three odd years
Dexter Maskelyne: maybe you sent her to Thibet to train?
Julian Carey: Private schooling.
Julian Carey: Man, Tibetans hate Julian.
Dexter Maskelyne: I don’t think you should have anything to do with her privates
Julian Carey: There’s an aspect and everything.
Dexter Maskelyne: let alone be schooling them
Julian Carey: Anyway, Cecily and whats his name that’s trying to kill Santa?
Dexter Maskelyne: Yep.
Dexter Maskelyne: Other nick agrees.
Julian Carey: You did want to animate Santa’s mortal remains and hide them in the kid’s closet.
Dexter Maskelyne: I did!
Dexter Maskelyne: It’s using necromancy for good!
Dexter Maskelyne: I almost never get to do that!
Campaign saved.
GM: Artemis Sinclair, yes.
GM: Who first?
Julian Carey: “Should we split up? What sort of deadline do we have here?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Good idea; we can do more damage that way.”
GM: Mrs. Claus: “Split up? We only have the one sleigh.”
GM: Mrs. Claus; “Although…”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I teleport. And Julian can fly.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or, jump hella high, I forget which.”
Dexter Maskelyne: *it’s one of those nights, it seems
Julian Carey: “How much eggnog did you have?”
Julian Carey: “I keep telling you, just because it has egg in the name, doesn’t mean it is healthful.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Lies and more lies! I feel renewed with vigor with each sip.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Also, quite dizzy after with every third sip. But the fourth sip clears that right up!”
Julian Carey: “Are you sure you’re up for necromancy? I’d hate for there to be an incident.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ll be fine.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Just remind me again, which one is widdershins?”
Dexter Maskelyne: begins whirling like a top, but widdershins.
Campaign saved.
GM: You spin around for a while. Is there goal of some kind?
Dexter Maskelyne: There is not!
GM: Mrs. Claus: “Stop spinning you’ll toss your nog all over my nice rug.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Anyway, as you can see, I’ll be fine, once I make use of a vase or bucket of some sort.”
Julian Carey: “This is why I don’t want to leave him around children.”
Julian Carey: “Children we don’t want to terrorize anyway.”
Julian Carey: “Worst case with Artemis is that he brags about Santa already being dead until he throws up on the young one. That probably still counts.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Certainly! And I won’t do that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Provided I find a bucket sometime soon.”
GM: Claus orders one of the Fae to retrieve a bucket.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): returns it, in someone worse condition.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Damn, I cannot hotkey worth a damn tonight.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “It is settled then! I’ll deal with the Kincaids and you’ll do awful things to your chosen child.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Meet you back here at dawn.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Dawn-ish.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Dawn adjacent, perhaps.”
Dexter Maskelyne: 20
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d20 = 11]
Dexter Maskelyne: Hmm.
Dexter Maskelyne: 11 isn’t a very good save vs. Christmas.
Campaign saved.
GM: That was terrible.
Dexter Maskelyne: I"m telling you, this is what kind of night it is for me.
Dexter Maskelyne: It’s not any better on this side of my skull.
Julian Carey: It never is.
GM: I also sleepy!
Campaign saved.
GM: Hey, X-Com patch!
GM: Second Wave options added in
Dexter Maskelyne: yep
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Anyway, are we splitting the party, or did our GM run out of brain?
Dexter Maskelyne: If you have to emulate Jeremy Renner, I’m not sure that’s the best way to go about it.
Julian Carey: Well, we could run around getting mind controlled. But that wouldn’t solve anything.
GM: I’ll level with you, I’m all out of steam here. My ideas for both of these kids are bad.
GM: Well, one is just a rip-off of MaOCT
Dexter Maskelyne: Ooh, off-screen resolution time!
Dexter Maskelyne: But: it’s a flashback. Therefore, we DID save christmas.
Dexter Maskelyne: Ergo, bring on the hookers and punch.
GM: Dan, you arrive at the Kincaid estate in upstate New York. It’s a large mansion with a hefty estate
GM: Dexter, how are you travelling again?
Julian Carey: “I’d knock, but that wouldn’t be terribly Santa-esque.”
Julian Carey sneaks his way in all sneaky like.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Teleporting. Using the Naughty List as an arcane connection.
GM: Down the Chiminy, you mean?
Dexter Maskelyne: Which isn’t a thing, except that I made it a thing.
GM: Then you arrive! Waste deep in fetid water in some kind of PIT
Julian Carey: Not the chimny neccessarily. That’s probably really dirty.
GM: Then you break into a house! It is empty! And somewhat decrepit and ill-maintained, like the family had fallen on hard times and the staff had to be fired. or would have been fired, if their slashed throated bodies weren’t adorning the sitting room.
Julian Carey narrows his eyes and keeps going, all business now.
Campaign saved.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): I’m not sure what the Victorian equivalent of humming the Mission Impossible theme is, but you should totally be doing that.
GM: You turn a corner into a long hallway. At the other end, barely silhouetted in moonlight coming in from the foyer window, is the creepiest 12-year oldish girl you have ever seen. We’re talking Full Tilt Movie Ghost Story type fancy child’s dress, etc.
GM: She tilts her head quizzically. “I didn’t think my brother would resort to hiring an assassin.”
GM: Meanwhile, Dexter, you are in a well. There’s a dim stream of light coming from wel above you, and then a snotty child’s voice calls down. “Oh sir, you seem to have fallen into my well. Would you like me to lower a rope down?”
Julian Carey: “He didn’t. Also, if I was, silhouetting yourself like that would be a bad idea. Makes a target of yourself.”
GM: She steps sideways into shadow, startled. “oh, good point. If you’re not here to kill me…why are you here?”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “I heard about your . . . situation from a third party and decided to lend you a hand.”
Julian Carey walks over in her direction, keeping his hands visible.
GM: “Did Mr. Miles make it off the estate? I thought my brother managed to shoot him before he got to the trees.”
Julian Carey: “I didn’t notice any survivors. But, I wasn’t looking for any off the estate.”
GM: She stares at you skeptically. “Then how do you know I need help?”
Julian Carey: “I heard it from a . . .”
Julian Carey thinks back to Santa and all those hookers and donkeys.
Julian Carey: “. . . holy man. I’m going to go with holy man.”
Dexter Maskelyne considers levitating up the well, then decides the better of it.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Could you please? It’s so dark down here.”
Dexter Maskelyne trails three drops of his blood across the dead Saint’s lips.
GM: Snotty Child’s Voice: “Oh, I think I’d rather just let you drown. You see, I built that trap to keep pesky wizards from apparating in, as you have.”
GM: Cecily: “I don’t believe you.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Are wizards normally susceptible to drowning? I would think that’s something they could easily manage.”
GM: “I believe I shall feed you to my kraken.”
Julian Carey: “I’d elaborate, but I doubt that would make my day any more plausible to you.”
Dexter Maskelyne places a liberated Elfish tool in each of Claus’s hands. Pickaxe would be ideal, but claw hammer works just as well.
GM: She pauses mid-hand gesture. “I have a kraken. My brother and I are locked in a mortal game of cat and mouse. I had expected today to be about opening presents. My day can not get much stranger.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Kraken? I thought they’d gone extinct.”
GM: (Sorry, Artemis is set to drown you. Cecily has the Kraken)
Julian Carey: “Santa told me about you.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Whoops. My bad.
GM: Artemis: “If you’ve beaten drowning, obviously you have nothing to fear.” A trickle of water starts hitting your head. SLowly but urely, the pit will fill, at this rate.
GM: Cecily: “You expect me to believe that?”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Look, didn’t I just tell you that you wouldn’t believe it?”
Dexter Maskelyne speaks the name of death, the name of the wind, and unspeaks the name of life, causing the Kringle to rise once more.
Dexter Maskelyne: I can roll for Sorcery if the effect is important.
GM: Yeah!
GM: It is!
GM: You are raising the santa-zombie?
Dexter Maskelyne: I am. That should still leave me with a Sorcery point for Levitation, should I need it.
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 15]
Dexter Maskelyne: 15. I’ve done better, but I’d like to see this punk Counter that.
Julian Carey: “Look, making sure you aren’t killed is very important to the something something of the winter elves! I was drunk for part of the explanation. Regardless, I’m here to make sure you don’t get killed. And possibly to kill your brother.”
GM: The eldritch might causes various loud noises upstairs and then you hear a child’s shriek. “What? I killed you! I used the Curse of Dionysian Excess!”
Julian Carey: “I’m not sure about that part. How old is he? I’d feel better about shooting him if he were at least pubescent.”
GM: Santa: “Oh, you have been VERY NAUGHTY THIS YEAR!”
GM: There’s a scuffle. You can levitate up at your leisure.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Clearly you missed a few lines.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “A Dionysian death involves being ripped to pieces, and eaten. Here, you’ll see soon enough.”
Dexter Maskelyne levitates.
Dexter Maskelyne: Was there a line in there about not actually killing the kid?
Dexter Maskelyne: Does he just need to be scared?
GM: Cecily: “He’s my age. Twelve. He has a serpent. It’s evenly matched with my kraken, so it’s just been him and me hunting one another. Since yesterday.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I might need to reign in the monster I’ve just unleashed on the world.
GM: He needs to be “punished”
Dexter Maskelyne: I hate when I have to do that.
Dexter Maskelyne touches down, drops the levitation, and places a mental block on the Kringle to keep it from slaying/maiming Artemis.
GM: Santa, being a creature of Faerie, is pretty hardcore about the “punishment” thing. In this case, incarceration within the Dread Ice Fortress of Santa Claus until the Blind Monks of CHristmas purge his sorcery from his system through fasting, prayer, and ritual isolation.
Campaign saved.
GM: There was a pamphlet. Mrs. Claus briefed you.
Julian Carey: “Tsk. Well, I knew this would be an ugly deal when I agreed to it. No sense crying about it now.”
GM: Cecily, on the other hand, needs to be rewarded for her good behavior this year. Escaping the wreckage of her life alive is one wya to do that, but I leave that up to Julian.
GM: So you can get out of the child murdering if you want. But then again, it wouldn’t be a very Kerberos Christmas without some child murder, would it?
GM: (Perhaps in the spirit of the season, Julian merely escapes with his new sidekick?)
Dexter Maskelyne has some time to kill, so he rifles through Artemis’s things.
Julian Carey: (He’s at LEAST going to kill a serpent.)
Julian Carey: (I mean, come on.)
GM: Sinclair is a magical prodigy who has apparently grown up mostly unsupervised in a wizard’s house. You even recognize the man, by reputation, as a foggy old Hermetic.
GM: It’s entirely possible the whole “kill Santa” thing was just a plea for attention.
Campaign saved.
GM: You hear a “hissing” noise right above your head, Julian.
Julian Carey: “What on earth precipitated th . . . hold on, I have a serpent to kill.”
Julian Carey shoots!
Dexter Maskelyne: Hmm. What’s the penalty if Artemis is only half-punished?
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I think Dexter is getting a teen sidekick, too!
GM: He needs to be punished sufficiently to meet with the approval of the 42 Judges of Ma’at. They’re already pissed at you from that thing with the elephants back in ‘38, though, so calling in a favor for leniency might be hard.
GM: However, the aggrieved persons (in this case, Santa) can forgive him and reset the karmic balance.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well shit, resurrection’s hard.
GM: Well, remember the Unnatural Death loophole. Plus, Santa’s not human and has no soul, so you really just need to reset its mystic weave.
GM: (In other words, Sufficiently Advanced Fate Point Expenditure…plus you can have a sidekick too!)
GM: Make an attack roll, Julian. The (invisible) snake (apparently on the ceiling?) is lunging at you.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, I can get him away from the Judges, except that helium hasn’t been discovered yet.
Dexter Maskelyne: Trust me, it all makes sense in here.
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 2]
Julian Carey: 5
Dexter Maskelyne: If Santa was killed by Dionysian curses, he should be extra susceptable to an Orphean summons.
Dexter Maskelyne: I can’t bring him back but I can bring him to the gate, close enough for the judges to hear him forgive Artemis.
Dexter Maskelyne: Fuck it, I’m going. LMK when you’re not terribly distracted, Other Me.
GM: Yes, that works!
GM: ?
Dexter Maskelyne: First, teleport back to Artemis.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m all for disproportionate responses, but I have to admit that this seems excessive.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “They’re going to torment you until you no longer have a magician’s soul. I can bring that to an end early, by cutting the magic out of you right now. Would you like that?”
Campaign saved.
GM: As he’s currently being beaten upside the head by zombie Santa, he’s barely able to pay attention, but he shouts “yes,yes! I’m sorry!”
Dexter Maskelyne: Aww, he fails the sidekick test.
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, I Scour him clean.
GM: Meanwhile, Julian is doing battle with an invisible snake that seems immune to bullets.
GM: (Oh wait)
GM: (no!)
GM: (I misread that)
GM: He refuses! “No, I’d rather die!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Good lad!”
GM: Make a defense, Julian. He’s coiling around your legs and trying to bit your shoulder.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Can you stand a bit of pain?”
Julian Carey: [3d3
1d6-2 = 11]
GM: Sinclair: “Define a bit!”
Julian Carey: A mighty 11! Suck on that, snake!
Dexter Maskelyne: “More than a bit, perhaps. I’ll need to boil some of your blood.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It will still be inside you.”
Julian Carey: Actually . . . don’t suck on anything, snake. I’m trying to avoid exactly that outcome.
GM: Sinclair: “Uh will this KILL me?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It never has when I’ve done it before.”
Julian Carey: “This . . . is a feisty one. How did your brother get this thing, anyhow?”
Julian Carey keeps talking while trying to strangle a snake.
GM: You throw the snake aside! Perhaps into something. You can see it clearly in a nearby wall mirror; all scales, shimmering with blood-red energy and like, two heads.
GM: Cecily: “We both have them. Do you want some help, or…?”
GM: Sinclair: “Fine, fine! I can handle it! I guess!”
Dexter Maskelyne reaches out and transmutes the blood inside Sinclair’s heart to steam. Almost as an afterthought, he also transmutes the heart itself to obsidian, to prevent it from scorching.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Judges! His debt is paid! Measure him now; his heart is light once more!”
Dexter Maskelyne: They’re REALLY not going to like being tricked like this, but fuck those guys.
GM: “WOW THAT HURTS!” Sinclair bawls.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Because the use of steam as a lifting gas is period-appropriate! Research FTW!
Julian Carey: “I don’t need any help. It’s just an invisible, bullet proof snake!”
GM: Cecily: “Do you want my invisible, bulletproof sea monster to help?”
Julian Carey: “No!”
GM: The snake lunges again!
Julian Carey: “Also, we aren’t in the sea! Why would a sea monstFUCK MORE SNAKE!”
GM: The Judges make their silent decree, and lift the Christmas Curse levied upon Sinclair.
GM: Cecily: “Language, sir! Language!”
Dexter Maskelyne returns Sinclair to a wholly organic state.
GM: Running around the corner is a man-sized octopus thing with eight tentacle legs! (ever see a youtube video of an octopus walking on land? it’s like that, only gigantic- you can only see it coming in the mirror, mind)
GM: Make your defense/attack/wahtever (I really need to re-read Strange FATE…) roll, for the snake
Julian Carey: “Cover your ears!”
GM: the snake has a +6
Julian Carey looks in a mirror till he sees the snakes eyes, then jams his thumbs in.
Julian Carey: [3d3
1d6-2 = 10]
Julian Carey: 10 for the defense.
Julian Carey: [3d3+1d6-2 = 9]
Julian Carey: 9 for the attack.
GM: You blind the snake! It retreats, hissing and spitting and is set upon by the Kraken! They start wrasslin’
GM: Cecily: “Oh, you’ve evened the score out, sir, I think.” She sits on a sitting chair in the foyer to watch.
Julian Carey: “Do more than even a score . . .”
Campaign saved.
GM: Sinclair: “You boiled my heart. And turned it to rock.” He looks at Dexter. “That’s great! Teach me how to do that!”
Julian Carey grumbles to himself as he walks over the the mirror and shatters it, wrapping his hand in cloth before grabbign a big shard like a dagger.
Dexter Maskelyne: “In time.”
GM: Eventually the Kraken drives the Snake off and ambles over to Cecily’s side. At least you can kind of hear it’s suckers on the floor.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I mean, I literally can’t right now. Because I sold pieces of myself that you haven’t grown yet.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “But when the time comes… I’ll be your soul broker.”
GM: Sinclair looks a little confused. “Ohkay…sorry about trying to drown you? I just read about this wizard in one of these books, that’s what he did to his enemies.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes, don’t do that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Drown people, I mean.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "There’s usually faster ways to kill them.
GM: Sinclair: “Okay. No drowning.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh… and I think you’re not supposed to be killing people. I’ll have to consult with a colleague on that.”
GM: You both escape and return to London with wards in tow?
Dexter Maskelyne: Yes!
Dexter Maskelyne: Next week: Kerberos pets!
Julian Carey: “Well, that was exciting. Tell me, Cecily. How would you feel about a change of address?”
GM: “Staying here means I either die or am killed by my brother, sir. What did you have in mind?”
Campaign saved.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): “Run away with me, only don’t tell my wife.”
Dan1 (Julian Carey): She’s 12. That’s not a threat.
GM: Then it is back to London! Upon reuniting, the two new apprentices are introduced to one another. Both blush, straighten their hair, and issue awkward hellos. Sinclair: “Today my heart got turned to stone!” Cecily: “I have a pet monster Kraken.” They both look at each other and would say “COOL!” simultaneously if it weren’t anachronistic for them to do so.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Tell that to Carol Ferris.
GM: And that shall be that for a Very Kerberan Christmas.

A Very Kerberan Christmas

A Very Kerberan Christmas

Nicholas: You mentioned at the end of last sesh what we’d do this week, if the logs are up
8:13 PM
Nick: 1848 revolutions was the plan but no

we will do an interlude

me: If they aren’t . . . well, I can’t do much about that until I go to Best Buy!
8:14 PM
Nick: The corpse has already voided its bowls. The two whores, wearing a bedsheet between them, weep softely against the far wall. The fat man, naked except his red winter jacket, lies dead on the bed, giant fluffy white beard flaked with vomit.
8:15 PM
The two of you stand, having being interrupted from your Christmas revels to deal with this by a frantic servant. “But sirs…what about Christmas?” he asks, plaintively.

This is a flashback. It’s before Charles Dickens publishes the Christmas Carol in 1843. So it’s Christmas, 1842, say.

me: “I blame you for absolutely every part of this chain of events, Dexter.”
8:16 PM
Nicholas: “That’s unfair.”

“Yes, the brothel was my idea.”

“As was the opium.”

“But YOU were the one who said ‘This could be a BIT more festive, don’t you think?’ "

Nick: (I am actually searching for the history of heroin use to see if needles could be sticking out of his arm)
8:17 PM
me: Laudanum everywhere.
8:18 PM
Nick: Heroin’s not invented yet, sadly, but the room is clouded with opium smoke.
8:19 PM
Nicholas: I assume that at least some of that was present before we arrived.

Nick: Indeed.
8:20 PM
Welp, Santa Claus is dead. The two of you must save Christmas.

Have at it.

me: “Does this mean we fall back on the german christmas myths? I don’t think I can take that.”
8:21 PM
Nicholas: “I shall summon a Krampus forthwith!”

Dexter’s pretty buzzed; you’ll probably need to physically restrain him from doing that.
8:22 PM
me: “Not while there are ladies . . . uh . . . women present, Dexter! Who knows what would happen!”
8:23 PM
Nicholas: “They would be violated in a rather gruesome fashion, I’d imagine.”

“Well, Saints are always resurrecting or performing miracles after they’ve died, this shouldn’t be much of a problem for Nick here.”

me: “And I doubt these women do that for free.”
8:25 PM
“He’s looking less . . . saintly than normal.”

Nicholas: “Hmm. Yes, I suppose he may exactly have been in a state of grace…”
8:27 PM
me: “Mrs. Clause will be devastated . . . but she’s single now so maybe she will be the one for you.”
8:28 PM
Nicholas: “I do not understand your preoccupation with seeing me join you in matrimonial suffering.”

Nick: As if on cue, a very assertive, and loud, woman’s voice echoes from below. “I don’t give a bloody damn who you are, madam! I want to see my husband no matter what state he is in!”

Nicholas: “Damn.”

me: “Oh, well, why don’t you go down there and distract the lovely lady.”

Nicholas: Dexter heads downstairs.

me: Julian checks the window.
8:29 PM
Nicholas: “Very likely a state of grace, ma’am, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Dexter Meskalyne, at your service.”

Nick: Mrs. Kringle, a fiery battleaxe of an older woman. “Cut the shit, Dexter. Where is he?”

Nicholas: “Upstairs, and beyond the pale.”

me: Ground floor? Higher?

This isn’t a distraction! This is a confession!

Nick: Ma Klaus: “Beyond the pale.” She snorts. “Last year there was a goat. He always gets like this before The Night.”
8:30 PM
She climbs the stairs. “Show me. I’ve got to get him sobered up enough for his duties. Yet again.”
8:31 PM
Nicholas: (muttering) “I suppose we didn’t check for a pulse…”

“You may want to prepare yourself for the worst, ma’am.”

“Male or female goat? I don’t want to be slanderous, later.”

Nick: She pauses at the door, shocked. “No! This isn’t possible! He…he can’t…”
8:32 PM
me: “Ladies, I think we need to get out of here and dressed. I . . . am considering burning the building down to hide the evidence.”

Nick: She swoons! Being a very tall, somewhat very overweight Norwegian giant of a woman, it is unfortunate she chooses Dexter instead of Julian to fall towards.
8:33 PM
me: Julian gives Dexter a big thumbs up.
8:34 PM
Nicholas: Dexter attempts a catch, and likely fails.

Nick: the nervous servant (lets call him Recurring Comic Relief Character; Reginold C.R. Culler) sighs. “I’ll get the smelling salts, sirs.”

me: Julian mouths “You’re doing well!” at Dexter.

Nick: You both go tumbling down to land in a thumb.
8:35 PM
Weeping Prostitute: “I recall the goat, sir. It was not used for such purposes. He just made it wear a hat. He thought it was funny.”

land in a thumb?


me: “I guess we don’t need to burn the GOAT down.”
8:36 PM
Nick: Culler returns and wakes up Mrs. Kringle, who stands, embarassed, after slapping Dexter. “You cad!”

“My husband not yet cold in the ground!”

Nicholas: “Erm. Yes. Well.”
8:37 PM
Dexter mentally begins calculating the dower of a thousand-year-old arctic monarch

Nick: She shakes her head furiously. “This is awful. Who will make his rounds?”

me: Julian points at Dexter. “I know the perfect man for the job.”
8:38 PM
Nicholas: “And also have developed a condition, where you point at people unrelated to the conversation at hand.”
8:39 PM
Nick: “Someone has to perform his Christmas obligations. It’s part of our bargain with the Winter Fae…” She seems concerned. “The bloody elves at the factory might escape and overrun the land of Men again, free to slay and kill.”

me: “No, no. Dexter loves magical challenges. And delivering toys across Great Britain is the most magical feat I can think of!”

Nick: “You bloody fools are part of his silly boy’s club. This is your fault. Fix it.”

Nicholas: “Is it just Great Britain?”

me: “Who else would deserve toys?”
8:40 PM
Nicholas: “Granted, it’s going to be easier to toss a bunch of toys out of a sleigh than to repair a broken oath with the Winter Fae.”

me: Julian shrugs “I SUPPOSE we could include America.”

“They hardly deserve it. But this IS the season of forgiveness.”

Nicholas: “Isn’t America a part of the Kingdom still? I seem to recall that being the case.”

Nick: “Oh the great and powerful Kerberos Club! You have no idea? It’s ONE Christmas miracle gift, and one punishment.”
8:41 PM
Nicholas: “oh. We should be able to arrange that.”

Nick: “The single most deserving child in the world, in both categories. The one in the most need of a miracle, and the one in most need of an ironic punishment.”

Nicholas: “Miracle child and Byronic punishment. Got it.”
8:42 PM
Nick: She sighs. “You have…less than a day to perform two miracles.” She looks at her husband’s body. “At the very least he did the research for you. Come along I’ll take you to the book.”

Nicholas: “Yes! Quite keen on books, we are.”

me: “Yes, Dexter is.”
8:43 PM
Nick: “What about…him?” She stares, saddened. “I suppose…” She starts to choke up.
8:44 PM
me: “This place is a tinderbox. No one will ever know.”

Nick: Culler: “Please don’t burn down the clubhouse, sirs.”

Nicholas: “Why is it that whenever I suggest we solve our problems with arson, you chastise me; but when it’s your idea it’s all well and good?”
8:45 PM
me: (Oh, we’re in the clubhouse? I just assumed we were in a random whorehouse.)

Nick: You’re in a random Kerberos affiliated whorehouse

This is the place where you go when the Club kicks you out for making a ruckus

me: In our defense, the goat was making most of the noise.

Nick: say what you will about the late Mr. Kringle, but he knew how to party
8:47 PM
me: “Because I suggest arson when it is a good idea? Regardless, lets see this book.”
8:48 PM
Nick: “Well, fetch a coat at least.”

“I’ll have to take you to the workshop.”
8:49 PM
me: I guess Julian will bundle up!

Nicholas: Dexter heads to the Fur Room, remembers what the furs in the Fur Room are used for, and pilfers the coat closet instead.
8:51 PM
Nick: Ma Klaus waves her arms, you turn into winged, demonic reindeer, and after a few moments of confusing desire for carrots, you arrive on a snow-capped plain, before a castle made out of black ice. “Behold, the first stronghold of Winter in the land of Faerie.”
11 minutes

me: “Hah. Take that, William Edward Parry.”

“Hah. Take that, William Edward Parry.”
8:55 PM
Nick: You’ve been invited to this chat room!

You’ve been invited to this chat room!

what you missed:

Nick: Dexter throws salt over his shoulder, turns his belt so that the iron is directly below his heart, and other Fae-warding stuff.
Sent at 11:53 PM on Monday
me: Mrs. Kringle: “Oh, where are my manners. I welcome you as host, you are my guests, as Lord of this Demense, you have hospitality, guest rights, etc.” She claps her hands and yells at a pale, ice-white elf that seems to materialize out of the snow (tall, slender kind) and tells it to bring salt and bread.
You have invited Dan to this chat.
Dan Byrne has joined.
Dan Byrne has left.
me: we seem to have lost dan
Nick: Dexter robs Julian of all of his earthly possessions and writes rude phrases across is forehead, in ink.
8:56 PM
me: But I love my forehead!

Nicholas: Right. After we’ve invoked our guest rights we head to the book.
8:57 PM
Nick: the tome of not-at-all-inspired-by-the-recent-penny-arcade’s is a thick, metal-bound compendium at least ten thousand pages long. Luckily there’s a bookmark.

me: Julian quickly glances at it. “Bad news, Dexter. It says here that I’m in line for the gift, and that you are due for a double ironic punishment. I didn’t know that was a thing you could get from Santa.”
8:58 PM
Nick: After what seems like an interminable number of children in need of miracles, almost all of them food-and-or-slavery related, you come to “Candidates for 1842 Miracle” and ’Candidates for 1842 Castigation"

There are three entries for each.

Nicholas: “First and third, respectively?”

“Or shall we try to judge them on their merits?”

me: “We should at least put in the appearance of effort.”
8:59 PM
Nick: Ma Klaus: “You have to choose. One benediction, one castigation.” (but no thaumotechnology)

me: “Well, lets see the deserving slash wretched options.”
9:02 PM
Nick: On the deserving list, it seems three children each exemplify the virtues of Faith, Love, or Hope and are marked as such. Last year was Hope, the year before that Love. Faith is next if you’re rotating, but the ledger of past Christmases seems to have no set order.

On the wretched list, one entry stands out. Artemis Sinclair, age 12, “PLOTTING TO ASSASSINATE ME”
9:03 PM
Nick: The next is Donald Kincaid, “Murdered little sister, plots against older sister”

Then Franklin Wallbach, “Generally just dislike the little shit.”
9:04 PM
me: “I say we hid Santa’s earthly remains in his closet.”

Nicholas: “I was going to animate them.”

“… from within his closet.”
9:05 PM
Nick: On the “good” list, there’s Cecily Kincaid, who is apparently plotting to get her little brother first

Nicholas: “See? Revenge IS a virtue!”

Nick: Ultimer Svensmark, who apparently hunts vampires haunting his boarding school in Sweden
9:06 PM
me: “Eh. Swedes.”
9:07 PM
Nicholas: “Hey, Swedish vampires are no joke.”

me: “Unlike the Swedes!”
9:08 PM
Nicholas: “Well, if we pick both Kincaids, we can knock out both miracles at once.”

“That said, I really want a Santa-zombie, and this would be a perfect excuse.”
9:09 PM
me: “That seems ungenerous. Doing something awful to sinister Donald does sound entertaining, though.”
9:10 PM
Nick: the last is Alessandra Montressori, who is a Jewish girl taken fro her family by authorities in Italy after a maid claims to have baptized her secretly.

and could use a rescue
9:11 PM
Ma Klaus: “Something troubles me about all this.”

“No mortal indulgence could harm my husband. We are well beyond such trivialities.”

me: “Don’t let Dexter’s zombie obsession put you off.”

Nick: “So now I have reason to suspect foul play of some kind.”
9:12 PM
Nicholas: “I wouldn’t call it an obsession. More a fixation.”

me: “Well, hopefully Artemis has an alibi.”

Nick: But then she shrugs. “On the other hand, he did over-indulge in a somewhat excessive fashion.”
9:15 PM
Nicholas: “That’s the best kind of over-indulgence.”

me: “Isn’t all over-indulgence by definition excessive?”

Nicholas: “So, I vote assassin gets a zombie and vampire hunter gets… stakes? Fewer vampires? I’m not sure. Your take, Julian?”
9:16 PM
me: “Which assassin? We have a plethora of options there.”
9:17 PM
Nicholas: “The one who killed the Elf; not his sister.”

me: “Anyway, Cecily is my preferred ‘good list’ candidate.”

Nick: Alright, this was gonna be an early night anyway; I am not feeling super-great. But a decision point is something we can sleep on!

Nicholas: “Honestly, if murdering your sister makes you the third-worst child in England, the world’s in better shape than I thought.”
9:18 PM
Sounds good.

Book of Battle 2 is out, BTW.

Nick: the next monday is the 24th?

Nicholas: it looks like a real book!

Nick: that seems impractical for our meeting purposes

Nicholas: Not something that Stafford crapped out on a 1980’s Xerox!

Yeah, I’ll be in Phoenix next week.

Nick: so the week after we shall continue Christmas hijinks
9:19 PM
Nicholas: After that… I think will be fine.

I will likely be in the same room as Dan, suffering the same wireless difficulties.

me: Depending on my luck with the network, we might need to do it on google next week as well.

Nick: that would be bad

me: I mean next time.

But we’ll see.

Nick: what about star trek?!!

9:20 PM
me: The 26th it definitely isn’t happening. The week after, we’ll see!

Nick: what about tomorrow

or I guess the day after tomorrow for you

me: We’re fine.

I’m going to go out and get an access point when we are done talking.
9:21 PM
Nick: oh wel look at mr. fancy

me: Excuse me for knowing how to exchange money for goods and services.
9:22 PM
Nick: i keep trying to get anything via the barter system

I’m all out of chickens!

me: The IRS is super uptight about that, too.

Nick: anyway I am glad I dragged myself out of a nap
9:23 PM
it’s not every game I can kill Santa

Nicholas: Certainly not without it getting predictable

We saved Ireland!

GM: anyway back to starving Irishmen
GM: I can’t access the logs for some reason
GM: so
GM: refresh my mems
Julian Carey: Birthing happened.
Dexter Maskelyne: We’re protecting the wee baby seamus
Julian Carey: Also baptism.
GM: the wee baby Seamus and mother are alive and reasonably well.
GM: But you hear an eldritch howling in the distance, joined by many more.
GM: Wolves! Of the supernatural vairety!
Julian Carey sighs, hands Dexter the baby, and starts dragging pews to barricade the door.
GM: (what was the mother’s name?)
Julian Carey: (Beatrice.)
Dexter Maskelyne: “Is it supposed to be sticky? Julian, why is it sticky?”
Julian Carey: “All the blood. That sounds like it will get worse before it gets better.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Werewolves aren’t normally found on the isle. Those must be marsh dogs; as long as we don’t leave the church we should be fine.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I mean, unless someone has found a way to harness and command them. Then we’d be in a great deal of difficulty.”
GM: Beatrice: “What the fuck is a marsh dog?!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s a dog that lives in the marsh. It’s also part ghost, or demon, I forget which.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Don’t go near them. They bite, and do not let go.”
Julian Carey: “What are the odds that this siege will fear the sunlight?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Quite good!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “…they also might have command over clouds. I misremember.”
Julian Carey: “Hmm. It’s an important question.”
Dexter Maskelyne: Occultism roll to remember exact details?
Dexter Maskelyne: That’s how declarations work, more or less, right?
Julian Carey: I think there you just spend the point and say.
Dexter Maskelyne: Holding for ruling, then.
Dexter Maskelyne: I thought the TN of the roll was based on how amusing/pita it was
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Other Nick is asleep, I fear.
GM: I am not!
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, do I have to roll for declarations or just spend or what?
GM: You can spend a fate point tno declare they can control the weather, sure
GM: that…is not a spend I’ll resist
Dexter Maskelyne: That doesn’t seem like it’s helping me!
Dexter Maskelyne: That actually seems like it’s bad for us.
Dexter Maskelyne: But whatever. SPent.
Dexter Maskelyne: “No worries, I remember now. They can only control the water.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Shit, clouds are water, aren’t they?”
Julian Carey: “This is all dancing around the important information. Do we hold out till dawn? Or run for it?”
GM: Beatrice: “Run for it? Are you crazy? I’m not running anywhere.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes, have some consideration, Julian. The wee baby Seamus can’t even crawl, let alone run.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “He’d be eaten in MINUTES.”
Campaign saved.
GM: “His name isn’t Seamus!”
GM: She apuses. “Actually Seamus is a fine name…”
Julian Carey: “You’ll have to be carried either way, Beatrice.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well I can’t pronounce Gaelic.”
Campaign saved.
GM: What do you do?
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, I could levitate the church, although it would probably break when I set it down.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You could just shoot all of the dogs, I suppose.”
Julian Carey: “Yes. But we’ve seen zombies and dogs. Are there going to be more?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or I could try to out-weather control them. Disperse the clouds before they can use them for cover.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m going to be very disappointed if an even leprechaun doesn’t try to claim the child before the year is up.”
Dexter Maskelyne: *evil
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, I think I’m going to contest them in weather control, trying to keep the sun out so the marsh dogs are vulnerable to Julian’s bullets and/or fists.
GM: As far as zombies go, the village around you has turned into a zombie apocalypse scenario- it seems like a bunch of very hungry people are stumbling around. Undead.
GM: Be my guest! Weather control away
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 22]
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, 22 on a blocking move seems like MORE than enough
Dexter Maskelyne: I think it’s nothing but sunny days now
GM: Welp, that handles the marsh dogs. What do you do about the zombies?>
Julian Carey: Violence!
GM: They’re largely unguided. Most of them are elderly or children, sometimes too thin and starved to even move. So if you move briskly, there;‘s mor eor less no threat.
GM: Beatrice: "Mother of God! That’s my uncle Tom! He died a month ago…how…"
Julian Carey: In that case, Julian checks to make sure they are actually dea . . . ok, sounds like that is taken care of.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Any way to tell who organized this, Dexter?”
Julian Carey helps Beatrice to the carriage.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes!”
Dexter Maskelyne: I’d seen some hex bags around before, same astral signature?
GM: Indeed
Dexter Maskelyne: I relay that to Julian.
Dexter Maskelyne: “If this invocation is fresh enough, I should be able to trace it back to the origin.”
GM: You’d need to make a roll of some kind to track the source. It’s a pretty Great challenge for a sorcerer
Dexter Maskelyne: Fortunately I’m a pretty Great sorcerer!
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 17]
Dexter Maskelyne: I’ll take it.
Campaign saved.
GM: The sorcerer is due south…far enough away it puts him into the Atlantic. Someone is on a boat!
GM: Or is a squid, I guess.
Julian Carey: Was it Sammy the Sinister Sorcerer Squid?
Julian Carey: Because that guy is a cock.
GM: No! Samuel the Sorcerer Squid is a fellow Kerberan.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Hmm, very good range. And we can’t leave the island.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “He must have an arcane connection to the church, then. I wonder if there’s any way of telling what it is. Beatrice, has anything gone missing recently?”
GM: “Father Cassidy was kidnapped.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That would do it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I… I really hesitate to suggest this.”
Julian Carey: “I think this story has a grim end for Father Cassidy.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “But I think one of us should stay here to protect the wee baby Seamus, while the other rescues Father Cassidy.”
GM: “I’d already resigned myself to my child growing up without their father.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Otherwise it’s going to be nothing but zombies for the next eleven months.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: How far south are we talking?
GM: Maybe a half-mile off shore?
Dexter Maskelyne: Not too bad, then.
Julian Carey: Oh, that’s not bad.
Julian Carey: “Fine. I’ll go.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I could try to put up a warding shield around the church, hope it holds until we get back.
Dexter Maskelyne: Or we can split the party.
Julian Carey: The latter!
GM: You feel the staticey tingle of a major working afoot, Dexter. The cover of the holy ground of the church m ight be important…
Dexter Maskelyne: Make it so!
Dexter Maskelyne: As in, it’s drawing on the sacred energies?
Dexter Maskelyne: Because we can profane this bitch up in a hurry.
GM: Profane that bitch up if you want!
GM: wait
GM: don’t do that, she just gave birth
GM: is probably sore
Julian Carey: Yeah, there was a lot of blood lost there.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey tosses Dexter his pistol
GM: one second, must translate Indonesian
GM: which is not my strong suit
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: If it helps any
Dexter Maskelyne: “zakar” is “dick”
Dexter Maskelyne: And “Cthulhu” is just “Cthulhu”
GM: Indonesia is a silly place
GM: anyway, Dexter’s warding up the church, Julian is going for a swim?
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Be nice to Indonesia.
Dexter Maskelyne: That’s where we keep our komodo dragons
Dexter Maskelyne: Yes.
Julian Carey: Indeed!
GM: Alright, I want rolls of appropriate sorts.
Julian Carey: Well, I got Move, Hide AND Skulk on one of my custom skills. So here’s Julian trying to quietly sneak up to a sorcerous boat/squid.
Julian Carey: [3d3+1d6-2 = 11]
Julian Carey: 11.
Dexter Maskelyne: I guess I’m just doing another Blocking roll with Sorcery.
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 14]
Dexter Maskelyne: Oof, 14 isn’t as good, but unless this guy is super kick-ass that should still keep any zombies outside.
GM: It’s a fishing boat, you can see two men standing on it. One is at the helm, keeping it steady. The other is waving his arms around as small arcs of energy bounce back adn forth.
GM: The zombies bounce right off the ward you set up.
Dexter Maskelyne: Shoot the helmsman so the wizard falls in the water.
Dexter Maskelyne: It’ll be hilarious
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: If you’ve got a 19th century gun that will fire after swimming for half a mile, Julian would love to see it.
Julian Carey: Seriously. He’d actually be super into that.
Dexter Maskelyne: Do KISS-style “love guns” count?
Dexter Maskelyne: Because that would be an anchronism.
Dexter Maskelyne: KISS hasn’t been invented yet.
Julian Carey reaches up out of the water and grabs the wizard’s leg, pulling him in.
Julian Carey: Julian wants to drown a bitch.
GM: “Oh Moloch, grant me you…oh FUCK!” in the drink he goes, the spell disrupted, its energies randomly dispersed
GM: Dexter, your mystic senses detect a major mystical fuck-up in the distance. Someone’s gettin’ punked. The zobmies collapse to the ground, now just corpses.
GM: Beatrice: “Do you have any fucking idea who the fuck wants to fucking kill me and my fucking child?”
GM: The wizard truggles! Make a drowning roll!
Dexter Maskelyne: “Could be lots of people.”
Julian Carey: [3d3+1d6-2 = 6]
Julian Carey: 6!
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I mean, there could be several different people who each independently want you dead, or they could have all formed some sort of coallition of evil. It’s a bit early to say.”
GM: Beatrice: " But why!?’
GM: The wizard takes a huge gulp and starts to thrash in panic. You get a good look at his face. He looks familiar somehow, but you can’t quite place the young man.
GM: The other one is standing at the back of the yacht pointing a harpoon at you, arm raised to throw, “Let him go!”
Julian Carey isn’t about to NOT murder a wizard just because some dude said so.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, if your son dies, the country will starve.”
GM: Then he throws a harpoon at you!
GM: You are harpooned!
GM: Take 5 stress
Dexter Maskelyne: “Now, I know what you’re thinking. And I’m not sure WHY they want the country to starve.”
Julian Carey: Defense roll?
GM: if you insist
Julian Carey: [3d3+1d6-2 = 5]
GM: but I got a + 5 so
Julian Carey: Also a 5.
Dexter Maskelyne: “But I have to admit, if you want to starve a country, killing an infant seems a relatively small price to pay.”
GM: then I am paying a fate point to invoke this NPC’s “Old Salt” aspect
GM: take TWO stress
GM: and the fate point I guess?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: I’ll take a minor consequence of “Agh! Salt water in my wound!”
GM: yessss
GM: that is what I wanted to have happen
GM: Without a harpoon, he looks around. “Stop drowning him!”
GM: He grabs a boat hook and leans in to swipe at you wtih it.
Julian Carey grabs on tight to the wizard and tries to drag them both deeper.
Campaign saved.
GM: Beatrice: “How can my son be so important?!”
GM: Well, there’s a boat hook swipe incoming. Defense?
Julian Carey: [3d3+1d6-2 = 3]
Julian Carey: Jesus. A mere 3.
GM: well it’s better than the 2 I have
GM: so unless I invoke “Murderous Mercenary Fisherman”, you’re good to go
Julian Carey: Woo!
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’d rather not say. I don’t want him to get a big head.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or you.”
GM: Beatrice: “I have a right to know! Howlongwill they be trying to kill him?”
GM: You drown the man and are now underwater.
GM: What do you do?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey rolls his eyes and tries to surface with the unfortunate wizard
GM: The boat hook man is waiting. With the boat hook.
Julian Carey surfaces out of boat hook range.
Julian Carey: “. . . So. What brings you out here?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “A year.”
GM: “He paid me to take him out and let him do some nonsense on my boat.”
Julian Carey: “I hope you got paid in advance.”
Campaign saved.
GM: “I did.” He puts the boat hook away and extends a hand to pull you in. “Ride back to shore?”
Julian Carey drags the body into the boat after he is helped in.
Julian Carey: “Obliged.”
GM: “I’m asking no questions, and asked none. So there’s no need for any more killing. I was never here.”
Julian Carey doesn’t reply.
Campaign saved.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Man that got quiet.
GM: sorry, had to get the door
GM: You sail back to the small fishing docks adjacent to the village. The dead wizard?
Julian Carey is being dragged along till Julian remembers who he is!
Campaign saved.
Dan1 (Julian Carey): Some people have memory palaces to help them remember stuff like this. Julian just has a duffel bag full of heads.
GM: It’s a familial resemblance. You could swear this guy might be Silverstone’s brother, or son.
Julian Carey tosses the body in a hovel before meeting up with Dexter and Beatrice.
GM: Beatrice: “What happened!”
Julian Carey: “Found the one behind this. He won’t be a problem anymore.”
Campaign saved.
GM: Beatrice: “Good. I hope he suffered. Am I safe now?”
Julian Carey: “From him? Yes.”
GM: Beatrice: “What. Is. Going. On.” She seems emotionally and physically exhausted.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I suppose there can’t be THAT many people skilled in… what was it? Geo-socio-something?”
Julian Carey: “We’re taking a carriage ride during which you will get some sleep.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You want the best for your baby, can’t you just accept that we do too and leave it at that?”
GM: Beatrice: “Would you trust two strangers like that?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I might. I frequently make poor decisions.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It might also tip the balance if those two strangers had repeatedly saved me from an undead menace.”
GM: Beatrice: “Where shall we go?”
Campaign saved.
GM: Oh!
Julian Carey: “My estate. It’s a ways north, but I doubt you’d enjoy living close to here anyway.”
GM: Beatrice: “Your…estate?”
Julian Carey: “Mm hmm.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s like a house, but larger. You get servants.”
GM: Sean: “As you can see, I have adhered to your instructions. The estate is now deeply in debt and I have no ideahow we are to pay for all these nonproductive…ahem…guests.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Really I’m not sure why everyone doesn’t do it.”
GM: Sean looks at the lady with the baby and then at Julian, eyeborws raised.
GM: His initial comment however
Dexter Maskelyne: “I thought the entire point of having an estate was to BE deeply in debt. Don’t tell me I’ve been doing it wrong all this time.”
GM: is about the peasants that have not been evicted, despite the blight taking their crops
Julian Carey: “Fantastic. As promised, I won’t shoot you.”
GM: Sean: “Shall I take it going forward that humanitarian concerns trump the financial, sir? With regard to whether or not I am shot?”
Julian Carey: “Indeed they do, Sean. Indeed they do.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “So we’ll just camp here for the duration, then?”
GM: What do you tell Sean vis a vis newborn and mother? (i..e, do you tell him to hire an army of stalwart bodyguards…?)
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: Something like that. Did Teegan come along?
GM: Did she?
GM: I believe she stayed in London
Julian Carey: Fair enough. I’m torn between keeping wee baby Seamus’s location obscure versus keeping it well guarded.
Campaign saved.
GM: Well, that’s that for the Irish Potato Famine. Take a…milestnoe, ro something

Dangerous Births

Dexter Maskelyne: Starve slower, Irishmen!
GM: When you came to this part of Ireland, you didn’t expect the zombies.
Julian Carey: You underestimate our pessimism.
Campaign saved.
GM: It is an isolated, forlorn area. You were passing through an abandoned hamlet, when, well, zombies.
GM: Reanimated by some spell, as Dexter can see. Someone is trying to slow you down.
Dexter Maskelyne: Julian doesn’t slow easily.
Dexter Maskelyne: Dexter distracts quite fantastically, but that’s not quite the same.
GM: Being people who starved to death and were put in shallow graves, they’re not much of a threat- mostly very skinny children, the elderly, women.
Julian Carey: “If this is my steward’s work, and I doubt he’s on the ball enough to work necromancy, I’m going to kill him twice.”
Dexter Maskelyne: May as well just fly over them, then.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, I"ll check their astral signature; I should be able to recognize the caster if I see him.
Campaign saved.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Lagging again, work, or naptime?
Julian Carey: I’m here!
Campaign saved.
GM: aaaand I am back
Dexter Maskelyne: hooray
GM: The ruined village has little shelter. The zombies are coming from the nearby mass grave / improvised graveyard. There are maybe three or four buildings.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Is the necromancer likely to be on the scene? If so, I need to go shoot someone.”
Dexter Maskelyne: Any way of telling how long ago the zombies were animated?
GM: You could probably roll some sort of magical insight thing
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3+3d6+3 = 12]
Dexter Maskelyne: Insight-ey!
Campaign saved.
GM: Thee mojo was set up ahead of time and triggered upon a living soul entering the vicinity
Dexter Maskelyne: I relay that to Julian and we keep moving.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Tsk. Well, I can always shoot whoever it was later. Abused patience, and so forth.”
GM: They are slow moving and barely a threat, you bypass them easily. Presumably more intended to frighten than deter.
GM: what he hell
GM: my chair just broke
Julian Carey: Are you ASKING for rude jokes?
GM: scathing indictment of my weight loss plan
Julian Carey: We’re calling it a plan now?
Campaign saved.
GM: Well, it’s a plan the same way the cylons "had a plan’
GM: I shall be right back
Campaign saved.
GM: alright
GM: The village you’re trying to reach is up the ‘road’ a ways.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Did you WANT to punch several zombies? I’d hate to deprive you.”
Julian Carey: “No, no. If there’s no point to it, it may as well be self abuse.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: I think we lost our GM again.
GM: You come to the outskirts of the village. Also abandoned, it’s a larger settlement
Dexter Maskelyne: Abandoned except for a magic baby?
Dexter Maskelyne: Or real abandoned?
GM: (travel sequences are tough. I keep waiting for player initiative, you guys keep waiting for prompting)
GM: Anyway
Campaign saved.
GM: outskirts. village. You notice hex-bags in the treeline all around the village. Folk magic, but heavy-duty death curses. Same astral signature as the zombies.
Dexter Maskelyne: Nuke them remotely.
Dexter Maskelyne: No sense in being incautious.
GM: The houses are boarded up and/or appear looted. It’s getting close to nightfall and you see no lights in the village itself. The church is the largest building and the most seemingly-intact.
Dexter Maskelyne: And the Staff of Mysteries is just sitting there.
Dexter Maskelyne: Churches are the preferred place for avoiding zombies.
Julian Carey: “Which seems unusual to me. Aren’t the restless dead drawn to holy places? You can’t desecrate secular ground, after all.”
Julian Carey: “Lord knows I’ve tried.”
Julian Carey knocks on the door of the church.
GM: The door creeks open ominously.
Dexter Maskelyne: Let there be light!
Campaign saved.
GM: The shadowy recesses of the small village church is…shadowy. The ridiculously pregnant, incredibly angry looking woman who charges you with a pick-axe screaming “you’ll not have my child, yah bloody satanic sons of bitches!” is less shadowy.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Some Norse cults claimed to be able to desecrate any land, but only briefly, and always just before feeding it to ice-wolves.”
Julian Carey moves in front of Dexter to catch the haft of the pick-axe and disarm the lady.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Thank you for that.”
GM: She spits and kicks and claws at your eyes.
GM: Shouting epithets.
Julian Carey: “Hello. Yes. You’re welcome.”
Julian Carey does his best to hold her back.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I would assure you that we only have the child’s best interests at heart, but we I’ll admit we’re not really trustworthy-looking fellows.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh, we’re not Satanic, though.”
GM: “That’s what the last two fuckers said. I cut their throats.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Except for Helzbaeub. I suppose he technically is. It’s more of a political affiliation than any religious conviction, though.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Don’t cut ours.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It would be unpleasant for at least two of us.”
Julian Carey: “Did they say they weren’t Satantic or that they were here to help your child?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “And, please don’t look at this as a threat, but my death-curse could very well kill you, and then all of Ireland would starve.”
GM: “They said they were here to help. But they were just more satanists.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “And we… don’t want that?” He looks to Julian for confirmation.
Julian Carey: “Correct.”
GM: “How do I bloody well know I can trust you?” She wrestles free of Julian and backs up, pulling a knife from a pocket.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Satanists don’t generally raise the dead, they prefer to enslave the living. So they were probably pagans. But it’s not important.”
Julian Carey: “Lord, more knives.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I should start carrying knives. I feel left out.”
Julian Carey: “Because if we were here to hurt you, I would have just shot you. I have a gun!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Care to douse us in holy water, or ask us to read a bible verse?”
GM: “The devil can bloody quote scripture. The priest here was head of the FUCKING cult that tried to do whatever the fuck they wanted to do.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’ll swear on the Queen’s name if you like. I’ve taken holy orders, you know.” [Knight of the Realm roll?]
Dexter Maskelyne: [Nope!]
GM: (Sure
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-5 = 1]
Julian Carey does his very best not to laugh.
GM: “I don’t give a flying fucking fuckery about your queen.”
Dexter Maskelyne: (Rule, Brittania! spend makes that +3. Could be worse.)
Julian Carey: “Commendable swearing, but I don’t think you sould be insulting the people here to retrieve you.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, she’s insulting our sovereign. It’s not exactly the same.”
GM: “Are you two the British fuckers the Angel sent?”
Dexter Maskelyne: Wait, do convictions add more than +2? Or do they just Compel extra?
Dexter Maskelyne: “That depends on exactly how you’re using ‘fucker,’ gramatically speaking.”
Julian Carey: “It really doesn’t.”
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: Did an angel send us? I don’t recall, but I’m thinking no, not directly.
GM: “The angel said you’d know the right words. A phrase. So I’d know I could trust you.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Bloody hell. Um, ‘Less water in the whiskey this time’?”
GM: She stares at you, then gasps in pain and clutches her abdomen. “Oh you better damn well be the English fuckers, I’m in no mood to slit any more throats today.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t think Murray gave us any pass phrase. But, to be fair, I was quite drunk when we spoke to her.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I wasn’t quite drunk; but I definitely wasn’t listening.”
Dexter Maskelyne will NOT mention that he was sent by a witch,not an angel.
Dexter Maskelyne: “That said, we are English, and when the occasion calls for it, we do fuck.”
GM: “Well which one of you is the doctor.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Err.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “‘Doctor’ is such a confining term.”
GM: “You aren’t the English fuckers are you. You’re just two…other…English fuckers.”
Julian Carey: “I had, well, I had a few years at the university?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Don’t each of us, in our own way, possess a doctorate in living?”
Julian Carey: “Not the dead ones outside.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Rescinded, no doubt. Probably their institution is no longer accreditted.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "In our defense, your use of “fuckery” to describe everything tends to vague up the conversation a bit."
Dexter Maskelyne: “We’re here to protect your child. We’re not allowed to take it from you, for reasons that I don’t understand but choose to believe.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “So just let us help.”
Julian Carey: “Look at it this way. How can it possibly get worse?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Locusts.”
Julian Carey: “Not helping.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Mucas everywhere.”
Julian Carey: “Stop talking.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Naked giants rolling over everything.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t . . . what?”
Julian Carey: “Wait, what?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That would be worse.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “You’d get squished, and it would be really unpleasant. And probably smelly; gianst aren’t known for their hygene.”
Julian Carey rubs his temple.
Julian Carey: “A fatal squishing might be an improvement.”
GM: “Oh dear. I believe the child has decided it is time.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Good! Watching the muckiness of childbirth would be preferrable to continuing this line of conversation.”
GM: “This fucking kid will be the death of me. Alright, you and you, you’re going to help or I’ll cut your throats. If anything goes wrong, I’ll castrate you before I bleed to death, I swear it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian, you’ve done this before I”m sure. Midwife away."
Dexter Maskelyne: “I shall fetch water; and firewood.”
Julian Carey: “What on earth could possibly lead you to believe I’ve done this before?”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Well . . . I’m sure I’m still better at it than you are, at least.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I assume that between the two of us, we’ve done just about everything on earth. And *I”ve* never, so…"
Dexter Maskelyne: brb
Julian Carey: “Keep an eye out for doctors while you’re off shirking!”
Campaign saved.
GM: You pass a cottage stinking of rotting flesh- glancing inside, you see two men in far nicer clothing than is expected for the area lying dead on the floor. A doctor’s bag sits abandoned next to one.
Dexter Maskelyne: back
Dexter Maskelyne: sigh
Dexter Maskelyne takes the doctor’s handbag.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I found your other fuckers. We’re all that’s coming, I”m afraid."
Dexter Maskelyne: Zombie-killed?
Julian Carey: “So, I don’t think we’ve been introduced yet.”
GM: Astral sign on them indicates death-magic stopped their hearts.
GM: "I"m Beatrice."
Julian Carey: “I think we are on a first name basis at this point. Julian.”
Campaign saved.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “There’s still witches around. Julian, keep assisting. I’ll put up some counter-magic.”
Julian Carey: “Oh, fantastic. Well, nothing for it.”
Julian Carey: “Unless the witch shows up. If she does, I guess I can just shoot her.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Not likely; they’re using hex-bags. Lets them act from a distance. Speaking of…”
Dexter Maskelyne scans the astral plane to make sure the church is clean.
GM: Church is actually relatively protected by an aura of sanctity. Someone using white magic put up a screen.
Campaign saved.
GM: Meanwhile, Julian needs to make an “Improvised Childbirth” roll.
Dexter Maskelyne will endeavor not to break that with blasphemy and/or profanity.
Julian Carey tosses his coat onto the ground and helps Beatrice lay down on it.
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 3]
Julian Carey: Hey, that’s a three! That is actually really good!
Julian Carey: If I need more, I can boost it with ‘Broadly Educated, if Shallowly", but I think I’ll be good?
GM: The baby has one of those problems that always seem to occur whenever this happens in movies and TV, so if you don’t [do something] it will be bad
GM: (I could have researched for this scene, but eh)
Dexter Maskelyne: [do something] = put your hands in something gross
Julian Carey: (Man, Julian does that every time he’s cleaning up one of Dexter’s messes.)
Julian Carey: (By “Julian does that” I mean “Julian makes a servant do that”)
GM: You have to cut the baby out. Beatrice…probably won’t live through it. (Unless you roll really well)
Dexter Maskelyne: Want an assist?
Julian Carey: Hey, I’ll totally boost the 3 up to a 5!
Campaign saved.
GM: Then after like, a day of brutal, bloody, disgusting, dehydrating effort, Beatrice and the child are both alive. One is asleep, the other is screaming.
Julian Carey: “Beatrice! You’ll wake the child!”
GM: “Fuck you! This hurts and I want morphine.”
Julian Carey: “Well, I don’t have any.”
Julian Carey: “I do have whiskey, though.”
GM: “I’ll take it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I will again repeat my offer to render you unconscious through a series of blows to the skull.”
GM: “The Angel told me not to drink while I was with child. Said something about ’primitive human medicines not knowing its ass from fetal alcohol syndrome.”
GM: “Whatever THAT means.” She downs some whiskey and eventually passes out.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Oh thank God. Speaking of, we may need a priest.”
Julian Carey: “So, go get your father.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “My father… wouldn’t christen an Irishman if hundreds of lives depended on it. Which they may!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I suppose I could lie to him. The baby doesn’t look Irish yet.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “he smells it, but that’s only because we’ve soaked everything in whiskey by this point.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): boy or girl? Or do we care yet?
Julian Carey: “That did get a bit out of hand.”
Julian Carey: “In any event, you don’t need to be a priest to perform a baptism.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It might work. I want the brat to have all the protection we can muster.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Got anything better than “Occultism” for baptising? That just seems… poor.
GM: I’m tempted to say “hermaphrodite” and go all alchemical mono-gender weirdness
Dan1 (Julian Carey): You use ‘hermaphrodite’ to perform baptisms?
GM: that was to the girl/boy question
Dan1 (Julian Carey): I know. I’m just being difficult.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): No more so than usual, I’d say.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “I baptize you in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Ghost. There. Done.”
GM: Alirght we’ll finish this next week. I need to scrounge up something to eat.

Pies, Monkeys, and Dangerous Kinks

GM: Teegan Murray bursts in one day shouting, “I’ve got it!”
Dexter Maskelyne: Dexter probably knows who that is!
Julian Carey: “I’m overjoyed! My butler will be less so, I think.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: The witch who was looking into the famine ghost stuff.
GM: “Well, there’s much to be done first. But this might be my finest work of thaumaturgical sociology yet!”
Julian Carey: “. . . all right. What needs to be done?”
Dexter Maskelyne: attempts to locate his trousers!
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Ooh, they fixed the action prompts!
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Now I just need to remember the difference between Act and Emote.
GM: “A child will be born in the village of Tullig. At the moment, it is likely to die. If it survives the year, Britain’s population is more likely than not to be greater than it is today in the year 2000. By my calculations.”
GM: “And by die, I mean starve. We must save it from the famine. But he, or she, can’t leave Ireland.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t think I’m making the connection here. Connections.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s symbology of the land.”
GM: “You needed to invent the science of thaumaturgical sociology and then master it.”
GM: “To understand what I am saying.”
GM: “Did you do either of those things? Then just trust me. Save the child.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Like it Morte d’Artur. Only with Ireland instead of England, and potatoes instead of extramarital affairs.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Which is a shame. I’ve always greatly preferred extramarital affairs to potatoes.”
Julian Carey: “Don’t we all, Dexter. Don’t we all.”
GM: Teegan Murray: “Potatoes are delicious.”
Julian Carey: “Fine, we’ll save the wee baby Tullig. Maybe he can be the new butler.”
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): The stupid monkey river experiment hasn’t happened yet, has it?
GM: The…stupid monkey river experiment?
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): Something something monkeys, something something telepathy
GM: …?
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): It was a bunch of hooey, but it’s a good reference for this if it’s not anachronistic
Dan1 (Julian Carey): The bullshit monkey telepathic learning one?
Campaign saved.
Dan1 (Julian Carey): You are looking for the Hundreth monkey effect. But it is from the 50s.
GM: monkeys are not telepathic
GM: except in System Shock 2
Dexter Maskelyne: The story is something like, they taught 50 monkeys on an island to wash their fruit in the river
Dexter Maskelyne: And then when they taught the 51st monkey, monkeys in other biomes started doing it spontaneosly
Dexter Maskelyne: So, if you introduce a change in a system it propogates through non-standard channels
Dexter Maskelyne: It gets cited a lot by people who talk about chaos magic while trying to get laid
Dexter Maskelyne: Also: hooey
Julian Carey: Ignoring, of course, the years between checking up on the monkeys and the fact that monkeys can swim just fine.
GM: they…never thought to check to see if the monkeys were sharing the information?
Julian Carey: It’s a new age thing, man.
Dexter Maskelyne: … and it dates from the 1970’s. wasn’t sure.
Dexter Maskelyne: the “study” was from 52
Dexter Maskelyne: But there was a chance it was older!
Dexter Maskelyne: Anyway, that was a diversion Sorry
GM: so EIGHTEEN years later their first thought is “psychic monkeys!”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah
Dexter Maskelyne: The real problem was it was a japanese study that got popularized in american journals
Dexter Maskelyne: SO no one thought "maybe we should check the primary source’
Dexter Maskelyne: it was all, “Oh, they’re chinesey, that makes them magic”
Dexter Maskelyne: And then the new agers got ahold of it, and it just sort of got spread aroudn withotu anyone checking up on it
Dexter Maskelyne: So, we need to keep a baby from starving without taking it out of Ireland.
GM: that is how people roll
Dexter Maskelyne: because of asian monkeys
GM: that follows, yes
Campaign saved.
GM: what would monkeys need washed fruit for?
Julian Carey: Eating.
Julian Carey: They are monkeys.
Julian Carey: Not barbarians.
Dexter Maskelyne: It’s a well-known fact that Nick is racist against simians.
Julian Carey: I know,r ight?
GM: I reject these scurrilous accusations
Julian Carey: You know who else rejected scurrilous accusations?
Julian Carey: Hitler.
GM: tough but fair
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “How long does little O’Nuisance need to stay alive for? Indefinitely?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or just the year?”
GM: Murray: “His second destiny – the secret true king of Ireland- will take over if his first- death in infancy – does not take hold.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Not a terribly well-kept secret, I must say. At least, not now that you’ve told us.”
Julian Carey: “How secret are you talking here?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I must say, I rather like the idea. I think I’d like to be secret king of somewhere. Wait, maybe I am already!”
GM: Murray checks one of her notebooks. “No, your primary destiny is…oh…oh my.” Her face reddens in embarassment and she looks away, stifling a giggle.
Julian Carey: “Choke to death on a pastry, isn’t it? I’ve always suspected . . .”
GM: After composing herself, she says stiffly: “If you want that to work, you’ll want to bite down on a lemon…”
GM: “Not that I would know. Ahem.”
Campaign saved.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): OK, NOW who’s being anachronistic?
GM: (People have been perverts since forever)
Dexter Maskelyne: OK. you’ve forced my hand. My google history now contains “history of autoerotic asphyxiation”
Campaign saved.
Nick2 (Dexter Maskelyne): And yeah, it dates to the 17th century.
GM: I guarantee you a bored caveman developed the technique.
Julian Carey: Cavemen didn’t have belts OR doorknobs.
Dexter Maskelyne: Or lemons
GM: mankind found a way
GM: aaanyway
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: "So, can’t just encase the brat in a temporal stasis spell for a year. Have to actually feed him.
GM: Tullig is far from Julian’s estate, to the even-worse-off-impoverished south.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Erm. That seems. Well. Simple enough.”
GM: You have to scrounge around in the cartography room for a map of Ireland that even has it.
Julian Carey: “Well, we go there, grab him, and relocate him to my estate. Easy.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Sure.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or, a superior estate, provided it’s still in Ireland.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Nothing personal, but your peasants were sort of starving and miserable the last time we visited.”
Julian Carey: “The situation will either be much improved or much more exciting next time we visit.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, let’s do that. Say, what happens to the hunger spirit if the baby becomes a secret king? Does it die, or shrivel up, or what?”
GM: Teegan Murray: “It moves on to the next famine.”
GM: “It should have no interest in the child, as far as I can tell.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, I’d rather it didn’t move on at all. But that’s a problem for later, I suppose.”
GM: “The person who solves world hunger won’t be born until 2144, in China.”
Campaign saved.
GM: She says that with casual, authoritative confidence.
Julian Carey: “I will put that on my calendar.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Then I shan’t bother; I’ll trust Julian to remind me when it draws near.”
GM: Murray sighs. “One more thing. Do I have you two to blame to that elaborate game of conspiratorial cat and mouse I had to survive last week?”
GM: “Because membership in this silly club is hardly worth the trouble that was.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I should think you’ve learned by now that we can’t be held accountable for any ill that befalls you, no matter how hard you might try.”
Julian Carey: “You clearly haven’t been to the club on orgy night. Or exotic pie night!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Pity they match up so rarely.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Though it’s probably for the best, for the sanity of the cleaning staff.”
Julian Carey: “It makes it more special when they do.”
Campaign saved.
GM: “The pies were not that exotic. Cherries are hardly rare.”
GM: “Ahem.” One of the older members clears their throat. “Harvested from the Plains of Leng, madame. Rare indeed.”
GM: He goes back to his broadsheet.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Anyway, I haven’t the faintest idea what you’re referring to. The conspiracy, I mean. I remember the pies.”
GM: “Apparently a membership test? I don’t recall asking. I accepted, if only because the flat they are setting me up with is nicer than a shack in bloody famine-struck Ireland. And those cultists would still try to kill me if I returned.” She sighed.
GM: (sighs)
Dexter Maskelyne: “Ahh, yes. Well, there’s more where that came from. Quite a bit more. Really it might never stop.”
Julian Carey: “He doesn’t lie. I STILL have to fish Tibetans out of my spiked ha-ha.”
Campaign saved.
GM: spided…ha ha?
Dexter Maskelyne: “As I have explained numerous times, I did not realize you were being sarcastic when you said ‘Honestly I could never get enough Tibetans in a million years.’”
Julian Carey: A ha-ha is a trench, hidden from one side, so that you can a nice view AND a wall. Gardening term.
Julian Carey: Julian has, I guess, booby trapped one because of all the tibetans.
GM: So today w’eve learned some gardening terminology and the history of autoerotic asphyxiation
Julian Carey: And about monkeys!
GM: Yes. That’s quite a full session!

Bookcases Happened!

Nick: Where did we leave off?
Dexter Maskelyne: Right.
Dexter Maskelyne: We’d cut Benedict loose
Dexter Maskelyne: And were going back to Other England with Grace
Nick: You are back in Other England!
Nick: It is raining!
Julian Carey: Because that is how we roll.
Dexter Maskelyne: hooray!
Dexter Maskelyne: I"m the best magician.
Nick: There is a thin purplish film in the rain
Nick: it is gross
Julian Carey: “Well, you are A magician. And is the purple new? I think it is new.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I thoguht Leviathan had previously been described as purple-ish, although not rain
Dexter Maskelyne: Anyway, we were going to ransack Calldritch’s apartment in THIS England
Nick: It’s just regular rain accumulating Leviathan-goo
Julian Carey: That is the plan.
Dexter Maskelyne: Gross.
Campaign saved.
Nick: You find a collection of vintage plates! Also paintings, newspaper clippings, ample docuents, and a whole library of books on practical subject material; construction, engineering, medicine, etc. A locked door int he library is, well, locked, but Julian picks it easily and you come to a room full of books on occult subjects. Also of a practical bent.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, prestidigitation a repelling shield to keep Grace and Dexter dry.
Nick: There is a large wall-shelf with various ingredients and accoutrements, and an altar in the center of the room on a raised, circular platform in the floor inscribed with a sybmolb
Dexter Maskelyne: Practical occultism is the best kind of occultism. Also the most boring.
Julian Carey: What kind of sybmolb?
Nick: OCCULT kind
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, now the guy with OCCULT skill is asking
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d6-3 = 13]
Dexter Maskelyne: Those are not the right numbers.
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-3 = 4]
Nick: You have no idea.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, it’s beyond me. Probably just something he made up.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Or it’s native to this world, I suppose.”
Julian Carey: “You always say they made it up.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “And I’m right a good-ish portion of the time.”
Julian Carey: Julian tosses the place for anything that might be interesting.
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 3]
Julian Carey: 4 on Investigation.
Julian Carey: Which is pretty great on a 1 skill.
Nick: Welp, there’s a book bound in bronze-plates inscribed with English: “Testament of Leviathan.” The inside cover has the bookmaker and the date of manufacture as about 20 years ago.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Doubtful there’s a method of banishing the thing in there,but it’s worth skimming all the same.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: It’s not like the New Testament has a chapter on “to opt out of YHVH, click this link”
Julian Carey: “Still, worst case scenario is we try out that god killing weapon.”
Nick: Grace: “You have a god-killing weapon?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes. It doesn’t work on all gods,though.”
Julian Carey: “Indeed. It was almost used against Belgium.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “we think. It’s not like we’ve just been wandering about, threatening deities.”
Nick: “How convenient you have one just when it is needed!”
Nick: Grace: “It…won’t destroy the planet, will it?”
Julian Carey: “Not as far as we know? This IS a last resort, obviously.”
Nick: Grace: “But it would have destroyed Belgium?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “It would have made things very unpleasant for a lot of Belgians, that’s for certain.”
Julian Carey: “Probably. The man trying to use it seemed very certain.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Grace: “Why would he want to destroy Belgium, of all places?!”
Julian Carey: “Belgium is as logical a place as any to start.”
Nick: Grace: “In any event, a god-destroying weapon would certainly end the troubles here faster than Caldritch’s plan does!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Only if it works. And doesn’t destroy the planet. Which, well… as we said, it might.”
Julian Carey: “Lets not rush to the pre-human anty-deity howitzer too soon, dear.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “But! We promise. We will not destroy your world unless it proves to be absolutely essential.”
Nick: Grace: “Please don’t destroy the planet. I’ve planted a rose garden.”
Nick: Grace: “Thank you! You should speak to Caldritch, then. I’m sure he’ll be relieved that he has a backup plan for dealing with…it.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I’m not sure he’ll be thrilled with our suggestions.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “He hasn’t been terribly pleased with us so far.”
Julian Carey: “I’d be discomfited if people were terribly pleased with you.”
Nick: Grace: “He’s a good man under very trying circumstances. Imagine being one of the few to resist so overwhelming a temptation after so long.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I can’t imagine resisting any temptation, at all. And I”m an exceptional imaginist."
Dexter Maskelyne: “Imaginist is a word now, by the by. I”ve just invented it."
Nick: Grace: “It’s a brave new world.”
Julian Carey: “That has such skinned victims in it.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Skinned victims?
Julian Carey: Wasn’t that dude that got killed skinned by the magic wish god?
Nick: Skinned? I think he died from an unseen internal injury, choking on his blood.
Julian Carey: Well, I misremember then.
Campaign saved.
Nick: In any event, the Testament of Leviathan is a one-stop guide to a god that answers prayers. It’s mostly religious nutcase backtalk and desperate rationalization of the god’s peculiar attitudes towards salvation, reward, punishment, and damnation.
Nick: Upon close reading, it seems like there was a single author and he was completeyl out of his gourd.
Julian Carey: “I can practically smell the laudanum wafting from the pages.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Sorry, that might be me. Well, in any case, this is completely useless. Burn it?”
Nick: Grace: “I wonder why Caldritch saw fit to get such a nice copy, just to study his enemy. Those books are everywhere, rotting away all over the place. We’ve used them to start fires.”
Julian Carey: “No, keep it. For now, at least.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “We never get to burn anything fun.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Further searching/investigation?
Julian Carey: “You burnt SEVERAL assassins.”
Julian Carey: “And I saw you smile.”
Nick: Also, NOTICE rolls
Dexter Maskelyne: “I was only aiming at the one. The fire… spread… from there.”
Nick: or equivalent
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 1]
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-4 = 5]
Julian Carey: +4 on Alertness.
Dexter Maskelyne: [4d3-8 = 3]
Dexter Maskelyne: if i’m rolling the RIGHT numbers
Dexter Maskelyne: +3 for me
Nick: You both notice little tendrils of animate shadows sneaking up on Grace!
Julian Carey grabs Grace and leaps back!
Dexter Maskelyne: well, we’re going to zap those with the Staff
Dexter Maskelyne: trusting Julian to care for his cousin, of course
Nick: Caldritch appears, coalescing out of shadow. “Trespassing in my HOME? Gentlemen, you are ill-mannered and frustrating in your persistant inquiry into matters that do not concern you!”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Grace: “Julian, what are you…Caldritch! Be honest with them, they are trus…well, I tru…well, they’re men of good chara…well, er…”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I resent that! We are ill-mannered and frustrating in ALL manners!”
Julian Carey believes that it is punching time.
Nick: Punch away!
Julian Carey: [3d3
1d6-2 = 6]
Nick: ?
Julian Carey: Six. Using my free World’s Best Secret Agent invoke to bring that to 8, and spending on “Damn! More Tibetan assassins!” (because Julian is good at dealing with suprise violence and Earl of Monmouth because he is protecting his family. For a total of 12.
Julian Carey: A violent, crippling total of 12.
Dexter Maskelyne: I"d like to tag Caldritch with an “anchored to this place” aspect, since he likes to teleport like a little bitch.
Nick: Unused to physical confrontation, you break Caldritch’s nose, jaw, teeth, eye-bone (ocular cavity?) and knock him stone-cold unconscious before he could deliver any sort of villainous monologue
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, my spell fizzles then.
Nick: He’s pretty anchored
Nick: by cranial trauma
Julian Carey: Using the big Crazy Wish God bible, naturally.
Nick: Grace: “Julian!”
Nick: If you used the big metal book, you do’nt even bruise your hand.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Good form, sir! I knew there was a reason I keep you around.”
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “Yes, Grace?”
Nick: Grace: “You hit Caldritch! He’s very old!”
Julian Carey checks on Caldritch.
Julian Carey: “He’s not going to get much older if he keeps jumping out of the shadows to threaten me.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “He’s also a kidnapper, and possibly an enemy of the Crown. I think we were fuzzy on that last point.”
Julian Carey: “Seriously, though. We do need to get him medical attention. He’s older than I thought he was before I hit him.”
Nick: He sputters awake, spitting out some teeth. “Bheleddy HELL you crahsys fffers!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Language, sir. There’s a lady present.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "
Dexter Maskelyne: “Now lie still or I’ll beat your arse bloody and sent you to Satan, gift-wrapped.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I am uncouth. You have no excuse.”
Julian Carey: “I think he’s promised to a different supernatural power.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Yes, but that one might not be around for much longer.”
Nick: Grace: “What?”
Julian Carey: “We are trying to kill the wish god, Grace. We’ve been over this.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Now, Caldritch, Grace seems to think that you can convince us not to just blow up the Leviathan, and possibly this place with it. Start talking. Choose small words with lots of vowels.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Little tiny mouth-shadows fix up his teeth a bit.
Nick: “You can…destroy the Leviathan? Impossible. How?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “We’re men of no small abilities, Caldritch. This isn’t our first quarrel with the divine.”
Nick: He gets to his feet, slowly and unsteadily. “Did you hit my with my own holy book?”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Ours is leatherbound; it wouldn’t have been nearly as effective.”
Julian Carey: “Yes. Yes, I did.”
Nick: “I’m…not sure if that’s blasphemous?”
Nick: Caldritch: “But you’re a horses ass, regardless. You can’t kill the God, for obvious reasons. It being God.”
Julian Carey: “You’d be surprised at how untrue that can be.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “’It’s impossible’ isn’t a very good reason. I assumed you’d have better.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: “I had intended to start this confrontation with a position of strength, a shadow-knife to her throat” He motions to Grace, who gasps in puzzlement.
Dexter Maskelyne: “It’s probably for the best that you didn’t. As it is you only startled Julian, instead of actually offending him.”
Nick: “But I’ll have to settle for informing you that the Chosen of Leviathan surround this little community and are entirely willing to slaughter all those within, should I command it. You will kneel in service. You may yet prove useful.”
Nick: Grace: “Service? What are you talking about?”
Nick: “Leviathan is my master, you idiotic cow.” He snarls. “I seek only to extend its Dominion over the universe. There are benefits to being useful to It, I assure you gentlemen.”
Julian Carey: “This is the well foreshadowed betrayal, Grace.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “That’s your threat? That’s terrible.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “What’s to stop me from killing you and wearing your skin like a suit, then telling your followers that God changed his mind?”
Julian Carey: “Good taste?”
Julian Carey: “Wait, forget I mentioned that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “I mean, that’s admittedly dark, but you’re leaving me plenty of room to remain the lesser of the two evils.”
Nick: Grace: “Why is it YOU always know when its the villain! I never know its the villain! Remember that scoundrel young boy Mother insist I court, ahnd you said he was a catamite and I didn’t believe you? This is just like that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "I think there’s a bit of a leap from ‘catamite’ to ‘villain’
Nick: Grace: “Perhaps by your shockingly low moral standards!”
Dexter Maskelyne: “But really, Grace, you should have seen this sooner. Frankly you’re coming across as a bit dim here.”
Julian Carey: “He was kissing the stableboy. I wasn’t guessing, Grace!”
Nick: (hey, Grace is a prodcut of her age)
Nick: Grace pouts.
Nick: Caldritch: “ENOUGH! Surrender yourselves to Leviathan or DIE.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Neither?”
Julian Carey: “I know you said it was just a friendly hello, but it the kind of kiss native to France, if you get my meaning.”
Julian Carey: “Lord, this again . . .”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Caldritch: “It is really rather nice to be in His service. You get whatever you desire!”
Dexter Maskelyne: Assuming Julian has this under control, I’m going to start shapechanging into Caldritch. I don’t really need his skin for that.
Julian Carey: “Caldritch . . . you have no idea what I desire. And you don’t want to.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “We already do. Opium, brandy, the finest dinners.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Something something wife, something something service to the Queen.”
Nick: Caldritch, snarling, musters a bolt of shadow to send at Julian.
Nick: Combat! Initiative, all that jazz.
Dexter Maskelyne: Pfft. I go last, even if I wasn’t killing my turn prepping a spell.
Julian Carey: Initiative is just based on your flat skill in this version of FATE, right? That’d put me at 3.
Nick: Then you go just before Caldritch
Nick: Brutalize the elderly man again!
Julian Carey: Will do!
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: This time I won’t stop a 1 point below straight up auto-murdering a guy.
Julian Carey: [3d3
1d6-2 = 5]
Julian Carey: Well, that roll wasn’t as great. So maybe I will.
Nick: Total?
Julian Carey: Tagging World’s Best Secret Agent, “For Queen and Country!” and Earl again. Total of 11.
Julian Carey: If he doesn’t have a solid defense, that might flatten him.
Nick: Caldritch is less surprised this time, but his head still snaps back into the wall from the sharp punch. But even more surprising is when shadows pour out from his broken face/head and start crawling up your arm. He murmurs, half-conscious, “it…leaves me…thank you…” before he seems to visibly age a bit and collapse entirely, white-haired, on the ground.
Nick: But now for the second time in as many months, something is trying to possess you!
Nick: Did you pick up any Temple of the Unknown God from back in the day?
Julian Carey: “Argh! And no Banshee to kiss this time!”
Julian Carey: Nyet.
Nick: That’s a shame. Dexter, that spell?
Julian Carey: I do have Resolve, when we get to that.
Dexter Maskelyne: Minor Delay means this round is all prep, no release
Campaign saved.
Nick: Well then on the next round, the shadows attack Julian’s resolve…rolling a 2 against whatever resistance or defense you might muster
Julian Carey: [4d3-8 = 0]
Julian Carey: +2 as well! A draw!
Nick: Then it is Dexter time!
Nick: You can see Julian wrestling with animate sorcery shadowsx
Julian Carey: “It’s in my brain! My brain!”
Dexter Maskelyne: sigh I guess I can impersonate the crazy guy some other time…
Dexter Maskelyne: Banishing spell against the shadows
Dexter Maskelyne: [1d3
3d6+3 = 21]
Julian Carey: That’s a good roll!
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, if a 21 doesn’t pop it out, I"m not spending fate points.
Dexter Maskelyne: I can only act every other turn (unless I"m straight attacking) but man can I hit when I do.
Campaign saved.
Nick: The shadows vanish in a poof of light!
Nick: Julian, the strange pressure of some alien intellect boring down on your will vanishes, and you’re left with only the strange pressures you nromally have boring down on your will
Nick: Caldritch: “You…must…bring them all back to England…”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Done and done.”
Julian Carey: “Oh. I only want to commit the usual depravities. This is why I keep you around, Dexter.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Julian, do me a favor and hide his body; I don’t want his followers to find it yet.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Grace, remember how we promised we’d try to save this world? Sometimes men don’t keep their promises.”
Nick: Caldritch: “You don’t understand. He was stealing people for a reason…”
Julian Carey looks around at the sparsely furnished room before pulling a bookcase down on Caldritch’s body and shrugging.
Nick: Crunch goes the old man!
Nick: like, mid-damn expository dialog.
Nick: That is some ruthless
Julian Carey: Wait, he was still alive?
Nick: he was using his last few breaths to explain what the evil plan was while he was possessed by Leviathan
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, that…
Nick: wait
Campaign saved.
Nick: Caldritch: do you not see “Caldritch” in front of this text? Maybe it vanishes
Dexter Maskelyne: I can Necromancer his ass back I suppose.
Julian Carey: Oh, I missed that while checking the previous room description to make sure you hadn’t described shit tons of body hiding furnature.
Dexter Maskelyne: No, we see it.
Nick: okay because that would be super-confusing if I couldn’t identify NPCs because of some formatting bulls
Dexter Maskelyne: Dan just wanted to protect the secret for some reason.
Julian Carey: Like a wardobe where you keep your talking lions and old man corpses.
Julian Carey: Totally thought he was dead.
Nick: Grace weeps silently. “Julian, why is it when I travel with you,s oemone is always crushed by a bookcase.”
Nick: Lets do a slight retcon then.
Julian Carey: Seriously! I wouldn’t have done that if he was still talking!
Dexter Maskelyne: Good plan.
Julian Carey: I mean, like, before the body is cold? Sure. Totally.
Nick: “Taking people…good people…lowers the defense of the other world against…It. It was all a trick…to lower the defense of London…take over…spread from there.” He expires. As he dies, shadows reappear and seemingly start trying to repair and repossess him. THEN, bookcase?
Julian Carey: YES.
Nick: Crunch goes the soon-to-be-zombie
Nick: Grace: “I mean do you remember that boat trip we took to the islands? That poor sailor.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “So, we bring all the good people, and I suppose the bad ones as well, back to Our England, lock the door behind us, and leave Leviathan to starve?”
Nick: “Or that time we went to the zoo and a library collapsed.”
Julian Carey: “That poor sailor was working for the Czar. I just didn’t tell you that part.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “In Julian’s defense, I go lots of places with him and the bookcases stay on the walls. Maybe it’s you.”
Julian Carey: “And the library . . . all right, that one got out of control.”
Campaign saved.
Nick: Singh, with Grace’s testimony, is easily convinced to relocate, and Dexter can do the necessary portal-work. Any other loose ends / epilog matters?
Julian Carey: “If you really feel the need to live in the woods and forget what civilization looks like, I’d be happy to buy you your own county in, I don’t know, Pennsylvania or some such, Grace.”
Nick: Grace: “No, that’s quite alright. I thought we were doing something worthwhile. I feel like such a fool.”
Dexter Maskelyne: "Funnily enough, you can do something worthwhile in our England.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Find whatever spirit it is that Caldritch was taking, and cultivate it in those around you. Keep the door barred against the Leviathan.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Because, honestly, we’re not going to be helping on the virtuous front. At all.”
Julian Carey: “Perhaps you could help Dexter with that.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Maybe after she’s practiced a bit, on easier targets. Convicted thieves, confessed arsonists, that sort of thing.”
Nick: Grace: “I think it was a metaphysical worthyness thing?”
Nick: Singh: “All I know is I don’t want to go back to my old job.”
Nick: He sighs wistfully.
Julian Carey: “I’m sure you two could hash that out at some ball.”
Nick: (glancing at Grace in a meaningful oh-darn-racial-attitudes-are-gonna-be-a-problem-again way)
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “Well, that’s the world saved once more. I suppose that counts for each of us. Are we still even? I’ve got to pull ahead if I ever expect you to buy a round.”
Julian Carey: “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m a modern marvel.”
Nick: Alright! That wraps up the Not-England bits!
Nick: maybe next week we’ll finish the Irish Potato famine
Nick: and then on to the 1848 revolutions!

Talking happened!

Dexter Maskelyne: We’d gotten back to Our England
GM: did you?
Julian Carey: We did.
Dexter Maskelyne: I seem to recall. I cast a spell, we split up.
Dexter Maskelyne: It might have been Another England and we didn’t notice.
GM: who is where?
Dexter Maskelyne: We each had a plan; I don’t suppose we have the log?
GM: aaand now my nose is bleeding
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: The log is up!
Dexter Maskelyne: There are easier ways to get heroin into your system. I’m just saying.
GM: So Julian has returned to Britain w/ Grace?
GM: and Dexter is remaining to chase down Dawson in the woods of Not Britain?
Julian Carey: Along with Benedict and Dexter.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, no staying behind.
Dexter Maskelyne: All 4 of us are in Britain
GM: ah
GM: Wellt hen you’re back!
GM: what do you do?
Dexter Maskelyne: hooray.
Dexter Maskelyne: we were splitting up, I think Julian was taking grace back home for a visit
GM: the vague, greasy moistness that faintly clunt to everything in Leviathan World drips off of you.
Dexter Maskelyne: Dexter was going to research their adversary, then meet up at the Club
GM: Ah, well then, off too it.
GM: Grace is takent o various “Oh my, you’re alive!” conversations. What’s the cover story?
Julian Carey: She took a trip to France.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: … and loved it so much she’s going back.
Julian Carey: Not if Julian has anything to say about it. He’s still trying to hook her and Dexter up.
Dexter Maskelyne: Alas, Dexter is spiritually incapable of love.
Dexter Maskelyne: And bibliously incapable of maintaining appearances.
GM: Ah, then what is Dexter up to?
Dexter Maskelyne: I want to say I was going to try to track down our lead over here.
Dexter Maskelyne: We got the name of the guy that finds people for Elsewhere.
Dexter Maskelyne: I was gonna ask around, make Benedict help out.
GM: Calldritch. You’ve met.
Dexter Maskelyne: That doesn’t sound right.
Dexter Maskelyne: Hang on.
Dexter Maskelyne: Dawson.
GM: he’s in Other Britain
Dexter Maskelyne: Right now, just grilling Benedict for information.
Dexter Maskelyne: That is not what Singh said.
Dexter Maskelyne: Singh: “If you want to find Calldritch, try to chase Dawson down. Calldritch…deals with those who have failed.”
GM: right
GM: Dawson was driven off into the woods, to evade Calldritch, whow ill be coming for him.
Campaign saved.
GM: Deals with as in “Hunts down and eats the face of.”
Dexter Maskelyne: AHh. Ok.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, then, Dexter’s part is done. Off to the Club!
Dexter Maskelyne: For a well deserved whiskey!
GM: Alright then. Once all that’s straightened out, what’s next?
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, we were relying on Calldritch to send us back…
Dexter Maskelyne: So, tool up?
Julian Carey: Well, presumably we could use Grace to hitch a ride back.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: It’s worth a shot; that was one plan.
Dexter Maskelyne: But, we wanted to have more info/a way of dealing with Calldritch/Leviathan.
GM: Grace is pretty insistent you take her back.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yes, it’s happening.
Julian Carey: Well, I wanted to try and look for records of him/his cult in the mirror world ANYWAY.
Dexter Maskelyne: So, Calldritch finds people with clean souls, zaps them over.
Dexter Maskelyne: The plan is to rebuild and reach a tipping point where… what, leviathan just starves?
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: But some people aren’t cut out for it, and that’s just bad all around.
Dexter Maskelyne: And how screwed up was he that he though Benedict was a good choice? Or is he native to LeviaLand?
GM: That’s what you know, but many unanswered questions.
GM: Benedict was a native.
GM: There were survivors.
Dexter Maskelyne: OK. And, we’ve already discussed and ruled out just feeding that reality to the hatstand, yes?
Julian Carey: LeviaLand: The most miraculous place on Earth.
Julian Carey: Julian is SERIOUSLY considering knocking Grace out, dropping her off in the woods outside Toronto and telling her that it is the alternate earth.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, I guess that’s what we need to decide/
Dexter Maskelyne: We can either try to fix LeviaLand, or get everyone out and blow it up/lock the door behind us.
Julian Carey: For that plan to work, Caldritch needs to catch a case of bullet in the face.
Dexter Maskelyne: blowing up TENDS to be more our style
Campaign saved.
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: Wasn’t that already happening?
Dexter Maskelyne: he called dexter a pussy, I’m pretty sure I"m going to set him on fire.
Julian Carey: Sure, but it is a prerequisite. I’m just saying that blowing up the planet is NOT off the table.
Dexter Maskelyne: well, if we’re not blowing the planet up, Grace will want to go back. So… there’s that.
Campaign saved.
‘GM’ reconnected
Julian Carey: Never the less, our first problem is how to assassinate Caldritch.
GM: hello?
Julian Carey: Hello!
GM: okay just checking
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, he’s mojoed us once before, I should be able to work up a ward.
Dexter Maskelyne: Then you just do your murder and that’s that.
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: Preferably on RealEarth rather than EvilGodMakesWishes Earth.
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, calldritch is still here, right? And he doesn’t seem to be in any hurry to travel.
GM: Well, Singh told you Calldritch was going to hunt down Dawson in the other world. So he might be there.
Julian Carey: Yeah, but I’d rather not try and strangle a dude when he could wish for my face to turn into bees.
Dexter Maskelyne: I don’t think calldritch’s wishes will work. I don’t think he’s “pure”
Dexter Maskelyne: yeah, I didn’t catch anyone’s location properly. I thought Dawsn and Calldritch were both on our side. So, I’ll need to rethink my plan.
Dexter Maskelyne: Remind me, is Spider Joe a god? Or just super powerful?
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: Do we have any gods?
Dexter Maskelyne: Aside from the hatrack
GM: Spider Joe is just like, a spider man. He does anything a spider can.
Julian Carey: The hatrack isn’t a god.
Julian Carey: Much like Dexter’s guns aren’t murderers.
Dexter Maskelyne: I treat it like one.
GM: Consus, Roman god of Warehouses, is a Kerberan. But he’s on the lower end of the Godlike spectrum.
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: “I am the HATRACK your decoration; thou shall have no other decorations before me.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I could awaken the spirits of your guns, if I wanted to win an argument through pendantry.
Dexter Maskelyne: So, beating Leviathan is more or less out of the question.
Julian Carey: “I doubt you could do that to all my guns. I . . . I have a lot of guns.”
Dexter Maskelyne: We can bounce back to Otherworld, go after CAlldritch, but I’d like to have an edge.
Dexter Maskelyne: And I’d like to know what we’re doing after.
GM: Yeah, Leviathan was encasing the planet in a thin membrane of greasy flesh. Not really the kind of thing you punch to death.
Julian Carey: But maybe set on fire? Greasy flesh might burn.
Julian Carey: And maybe not burn the atmosphere down.
GM: But as Kerberan’s you’ve breathed in worse, I suppose
Dexter Maskelyne: And paid dearly for the privelege
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: Anyways, do we try and locate/break into Caldritch’s place before enacting plan ‘remove all of Caldritch’s blood’?
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, let’s ransack it. We went through it once before, but now we have a better idea what we’re looking for.
Dexter Maskelyne: Also, Benedict will help.
GM: The wrecked house is basically unchanged. You note the ledger of worthy/unworthy. What else do you look for?
Dexter Maskelyne: Did we confirm whether any of the Unworthy have also gone missing?
Julian Carey: Oh, I meant in OtherEngland. But here works as well.
Dexter Maskelyne: Anything that’ll tell me more about Calldritches practices and traditions. Worldwalking is pretty heavy-duty stuff.
Dexter Maskelyne: Dexter refuses to believe that Calldritch just got better grades in wizardschool.
GM: Oh, yeah. Youv’e already checked out this place. Checking out the “not ruined” place on the OTHER side might yield more info?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: Julian is too polite to suggest the idea.
Dexter Maskelyne: Well, are we ready to cross back, then? Got all your guns and told your wife goodbye?
Dexter Maskelyne: Also, decision.
Julian Carey: “Actually, I told her that I’d be back for dinner.”
Dexter Maskelyne: I can either ward us both against Calldritch’s magic, OR I can put a tether on us so that we’ll snap back to our world if we’re in mortal danger.
Dexter Maskelyne: Or one of each, I suppose.
Dexter Maskelyne: But I don’t have enough juice to do it all.
Dexter Maskelyne: Preference?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: “The former. I’m sure Grace is happy to be our cab.”
Dexter Maskelyne: “Ok then. Benedict, you’ll have to come with once again, I”m afriad. Stick close, we’ll take you back when it’s all over."
Dexter Maskelyne: OK, Julian and I have been there before, Benedict is FROM there, and Grace thinks that her Life’s Work is waiting for her on the other side. That should be enough to form a connection. Profane Sorcery?
‘GM’ reconnected
‘GM’ reconnected
GM: and by “Reluctant” I mean he’s trying to swallow his tongue.
Julian Carey: Did you miss a message there?
GM: yes I was disconnected
GM: Benedict is reluctant
Dexter Maskelyne: yeah, I know.
Dexter Maskelyne: But we need him as an intel source.
‘GM’ reconnected
Dexter Maskelyne: And as long as he sticks close and doesn’t piss us off he’ll be fine.
‘GM’ reconnected
Julian Carey: Actually, DO we need him as an intel source?
Campaign saved.
Julian Carey: I think we’ve basically tapped him out.
Dexter Maskelyne: Fair enough.
Dexter Maskelyne: I’ll try the trip back without him.
Julian Carey: “I’m sure Grace will get us there in one piece.”
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, I was iffy on Grace… I don’t know if she has a Conviction to her work. But we’ll see!
‘GM’ reconnected
GM: I miss anything?
GM: was disconnected again
Dexter Maskelyne: We’re heading back, just the two of us and Grace. Profane Sorcery roll?
GM: Oh I asked for a persuade to bring Benedict along
Campaign saved.
Dexter Maskelyne: Yeah, we’re just abandoning him.
Dexter Maskelyne: He can go crawl into a pub and live there.
Julian Carey: Or die there.
Julian Carey: As the case may be.
Campaign saved.
GM: excellent
GM: anyway I keep disconnecting, lets call it here


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